Can't sleep, dammit. I guess it's a good thing I'm underemployed or I'd be in trouble *lol*.
Lately I seem to be noticing more people who are not only hating Christmas, but not really caring who knows. Some I see on facebook say "fuck Santa Claus!" or even "Imma kill him! He never comes by my house anyway!" I totally understand the jaded outlook, disappointment and frustration...but if you really think about it: A) why is it this guy's job to gift the world? Did he make a bet with the devil and lose? And B)what thanks does "he" get for doing something so colossal while asking for nothing in return? Room temp milk & cookies that no one else wanted to eat. Even by the kids who believe he is real, he gets treated like a gift dispenser whose job is to give them free shit with no strings attached. Do you see how the santas at the mall get treated? Everyone knows that a mall santa job is about as low as one can get without doing anything illegal. It ranks only slightly above party clown and we all know how shitty they get treated. Thinking about it makes me feel like perhaps the retail jobs I loathed so much weren't so bad after all *lol*. What I don't get is WHY someone would want to be a party clown or santa. They SAY they "do it for the kids", but by "doing it", appearances indicate them taking kicks to the shin and gut, hair/beard pulling, hits to the face and screams in the ear. Often inflicted on purpose for laughs. I don't see any joy in that...maybe they're pulling themselves through with "it's a joy and it's all worth it" like I hear many parents tell themselves, though their eyes often say something clearly different to me. I know it's not like that 100% of the time, but are those small, rare moments of redemption really worth all that crappy treatment? I'd say no. There has to be a better way to experience the joy that person is seeking without having to endure all that noise, bullshit & abuse. With the way I see "santa" often get treated, it makes me wonder if maybe his "job" really IS due to a lost bet to the devil *LOL*! Yeah, those facebook people might be joking, but I often find when people joke, it's to disguise a truth they otherwise wouldn't feel comfortable admitting outright. Christmas can suck, I get that...I've gone through many disappointments myself, and I think many of these Christmas movies with their "11th hour miracles" MIGHT mean well, but they're setting people up for disappointment... Raising one's hopes for a miracle that might never come, no matter high your faith or how hard you believe. It's fiction and most people know that, but it stimulates one's mind on some level that says "Maybe..."
Similar to the way I think romance comedies set women up for unreal expectation and awaken/develop their taste for saccharine bullshit that'll never likely happen because the typical dude just doesn't think they way these fictional characters do. Did you just get the sense that I hate romance comedies? *lol* To me, a "Christmas Story" is the best Christmas movie because it's not pretty, there are no miracles, no epiphanies, just one mishap after another and the boy and his family roll with it. Making the best of things in spite of what went wrong. (BTW, those who have seen the movie will totally get the above title *LOL*!)
Where did this Santa thing come from anyway? I hear there's a movie out called "Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale", the name sounds innocuous...but don't let that fool you. I hear it follows the paper trail of the real origin of Santa Claus...and from what I learn, it isn't pretty. Stuff like: the fat, red-suited, image of Santa you're familiar with is really a mascot for an advertising campaign invented by Coca-Cola in the 40's to encourage drinking Coke in winter. And how the people who cooked up this advertising scheme "conveniently" left out parts that link this character to pagan origins? And to THINK how many Christians out there perpetuate the celebration of this character WHILE claiming to hate paganism? Hah! Ironic or what? The same thing for Easter. It blows me away to see self-proclaimed Christians allowing their kids celebrate Easter by doing TRADITIONAL Easter stuff. If these Christian parents knew where the bunny and egg symbols really came from and what these symbols really meant, they might ban their kids from ever touching (let alone picking up) another colored egg *LOL*. Perhaps it's because they don't really know. But yet that doesn't excuse one from wanting to fill in the gaps of what they don't know. Perhaps on some level, what one thinks they know believes it's all they need to know. I find it so curious how people follow beliefs, ideas and traditions BLINDLY without even having a mind to ask any question...just assume it's fact SIMPLY because it's "family tradition", or simply because they were told by their parents. One example of this is my ex-husband. This one really amazed me. For as long as I've known him, he hates nuts. If something has nuts in it, it needed to be picked off or he wouldn't eat it. And if he bit into something that had nuts in it, he would pick it out of his mouth and go "Ewww! Nuts! Is there something else to eat??" There were times where it would really be a pain in the ass. Ok, so he hates nuts, so what? Well, I don't hate them...and one time we were taking a long road trip and when we made a pit stop, I bought some for myself because I was pretty hungry. He was hungry too, but said "ewww" when I offered him some a couple of times. I guess his hunger got to him after watching me eat for a while and he said "Aw, fuck it" and asked for some. "But I thought you hated nuts?" I said. "Yeah well, I'm hungry" he answered. I watched in amazement as I saw him eat them and I nearly jumped out of my seat when I heard him go "mmmm" and held out his hand for another helping.
"What do you MEAN 'MMMMM'??? I thought you hated nuts? What the hell??" You know something? I found out HE DOESN'T HATE nuts! It turns out he's NEVER even TRIED THEM before that day! How in the hell can he HATE something he's never even TRIED before??? Because his parents (his mother) told him that he hates nuts, and I guess from that point on he adopted her belief as his belief, then as fact. How about that?? Up until that day, he'd gone his WHOLE LIFE hating something he's never even tried before! And if it wasn't for me, he'd probably have gone the REST of his life "hating" them. Simply because he was TOLD he hated them! He never even bothered to find out for himself, just assumed that his parent's belief is fact and there's no room for question. Isn't that amazing? Now I have to worry about my stash getting raided, my peanut butter getting dipped into and always having to share a bag whenever he's around. Sheesh. Me & my big mouth *HAH* 8.P
...Alright, I'm getting sleepy now. K'bye :.P
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
"What's with you hating Christmas?"
Is what I get asked so often. I think it's unfair... I don't "HATE" it.
I know some people do (or claim to)hate it for real.
Some people really have a hard time dealing with Christmas... It's SUPPOSED to be a festive occasion...but since it's become so intertwined in commercialism and consumer hedonism, it has an opposite effect on poor people. It results in a magnification of the feeling of lack and feeling left out. Those feelings we try to stuff in the closet and hide during the REMAINDER of the year (feeling of lack, exclusion, inadequacy, failure...the attempts to ignore it with a fake optimism one tries to muster up just to cope from day to day) sort of get dragged out in the open like it or not and gets put out front & center to display for all to see. Or at least, that's how it feels. Instead of "everywhere you look, it's christmas!" it's "everywhere you look, it's a reminder of what you can never afford to have, do or get!". "Ho ho ho!" turns into a "ha ha ha, you're poor!" You can TRY to "make the best of what you have", but when you see everyone else around you doing things you'll never do, enjoying things you never will, having things you'll never have, it sort of rubs salt in it a little... And for those who know what it's like to be REALLY poor... I mean REALLY, REALLY, can't even afford the bare minimum poor? Not even a Charlie Brown tree? You know that your "holiday spirit" can really take the beating of it's life...some don't even survive to another year...as if it didn't take a monumental effort to generate in the 1st place considering the circumstances! Having only enough to keep the rent paid so that you don't wind up homeless does NOT count as a Christmas present...not even to yourself. And to think otherwise is self-delusion.
You can guess by now which part of the equation I'm in, right? *lol* I grew up poor. Not "feed the children" poor, but shitty in it's own way. I have to be fair, there were a handful of great Christmas memories...(getting that Teddy Ruxpin doll I always wanted is one of the few happy kid memories I have), but those were few and far between. After so many disappointing experiences for so many years, beginning so early in my life, it sort of deadened my sense of "spirit". What little I had was a struggle to muster up. But these past few years wiped out the last of it: This year is now going to be the 5th year in a row where there will be no money for shopping...which means yet another Christmas without presents. This isn't me feeling sorry for myself. Nor am I asking you to. I'm not mad. I don't resent. Or hate. I DID hate once...especially in my "goth" phase *LOL!* I passed through an "anti-christmas" period where I absolutely hated it and I wanted no part of it at all! A feeble attempt to take out my resentments I suppose *lol*. So I know what it feels like to hate it, that's how I know I don't! *lol*
Just last weekend, I was at a grocery store, I crossed paths with a guy I know whom I suspect likes me, and a Christmas song came on. "Here comes Santa Claus" I think it was? He actually turned to me and started singing along, and by his expression, it looked as if he was expecting me to join in and sing along. I let him sing for as long as I could stand it before turned to him and said "Hey. Save it for your kids at home, will ya? I'm immune to that shit!" *lol*
People like me who grew up this way usually wind up in these categories: 1) they grow up to be truly bitter about it and hate the holiday, and more ghosts come out of their closet than decorations 2)mustering up as much optimism as you can in the face of what you can't have/do (which is WAY harder than it sounds. I really feel for the people who try so hard to love the holiday even though they have no evident reason to) or 3)become immune to the holiday stuff. I just...don't care. I have no feelings of my own towards it... And between you & me, I really think those in category #1 don't hate Christmas from a place of TRUE anger or malevolence...it comes from a place of hurt. All that's under that "hate" is only layers & layers of hurt & disappointment which just manifested itself in a different way. Me, I don't feel this way or that about it. I just don't care. Well, ok...I DO care about Christmas ONLY because 1)the people in my life whom I care about care about it, so it results in caring by default *lol* 2) in my new line of work, the holiday season is like the Superbowl! Busy & crazy! But even before then, I always seized the opportunity to show off my skills and bake my ass off! *lol* What I don't get is: all the central "reasons for the season" are things we should be mindful of all year: Thankfulness of what one has, giving to others, enjoying quality time with loved ones, keeping in touch with family. These are things that should be done ALL THROUGHOUT the year. What makes Christmas so special then? It's even argued that Christ's birthday didn't even happen at this time *lol*. So what's left when you strip all the above away? Overeating & buying crap? An excuse for overindulgence and overspending? And looking at the vicious greedy herds of consumers that mob the stores during this time of year...Yelling...shoving...sometimes even punching, even literal TRAMPLING over one another. Doesn't really help with the case for Christmas either. Count me out. Ok, I get wanting to try hard to get just the right thing for someone you love, but that doesn't get you off the hook from showing some basic civility to the person next to you. If Christmas permanently went away for whatever reason, I really wouldn't miss it... I would just feel for the people that would.
I know some people do (or claim to)hate it for real.
Some people really have a hard time dealing with Christmas... It's SUPPOSED to be a festive occasion...but since it's become so intertwined in commercialism and consumer hedonism, it has an opposite effect on poor people. It results in a magnification of the feeling of lack and feeling left out. Those feelings we try to stuff in the closet and hide during the REMAINDER of the year (feeling of lack, exclusion, inadequacy, failure...the attempts to ignore it with a fake optimism one tries to muster up just to cope from day to day) sort of get dragged out in the open like it or not and gets put out front & center to display for all to see. Or at least, that's how it feels. Instead of "everywhere you look, it's christmas!" it's "everywhere you look, it's a reminder of what you can never afford to have, do or get!". "Ho ho ho!" turns into a "ha ha ha, you're poor!" You can TRY to "make the best of what you have", but when you see everyone else around you doing things you'll never do, enjoying things you never will, having things you'll never have, it sort of rubs salt in it a little... And for those who know what it's like to be REALLY poor... I mean REALLY, REALLY, can't even afford the bare minimum poor? Not even a Charlie Brown tree? You know that your "holiday spirit" can really take the beating of it's life...some don't even survive to another year...as if it didn't take a monumental effort to generate in the 1st place considering the circumstances! Having only enough to keep the rent paid so that you don't wind up homeless does NOT count as a Christmas present...not even to yourself. And to think otherwise is self-delusion.
You can guess by now which part of the equation I'm in, right? *lol* I grew up poor. Not "feed the children" poor, but shitty in it's own way. I have to be fair, there were a handful of great Christmas memories...(getting that Teddy Ruxpin doll I always wanted is one of the few happy kid memories I have), but those were few and far between. After so many disappointing experiences for so many years, beginning so early in my life, it sort of deadened my sense of "spirit". What little I had was a struggle to muster up. But these past few years wiped out the last of it: This year is now going to be the 5th year in a row where there will be no money for shopping...which means yet another Christmas without presents. This isn't me feeling sorry for myself. Nor am I asking you to. I'm not mad. I don't resent. Or hate. I DID hate once...especially in my "goth" phase *LOL!* I passed through an "anti-christmas" period where I absolutely hated it and I wanted no part of it at all! A feeble attempt to take out my resentments I suppose *lol*. So I know what it feels like to hate it, that's how I know I don't! *lol*
Just last weekend, I was at a grocery store, I crossed paths with a guy I know whom I suspect likes me, and a Christmas song came on. "Here comes Santa Claus" I think it was? He actually turned to me and started singing along, and by his expression, it looked as if he was expecting me to join in and sing along. I let him sing for as long as I could stand it before turned to him and said "Hey. Save it for your kids at home, will ya? I'm immune to that shit!" *lol*
People like me who grew up this way usually wind up in these categories: 1) they grow up to be truly bitter about it and hate the holiday, and more ghosts come out of their closet than decorations 2)mustering up as much optimism as you can in the face of what you can't have/do (which is WAY harder than it sounds. I really feel for the people who try so hard to love the holiday even though they have no evident reason to) or 3)become immune to the holiday stuff. I just...don't care. I have no feelings of my own towards it... And between you & me, I really think those in category #1 don't hate Christmas from a place of TRUE anger or malevolence...it comes from a place of hurt. All that's under that "hate" is only layers & layers of hurt & disappointment which just manifested itself in a different way. Me, I don't feel this way or that about it. I just don't care. Well, ok...I DO care about Christmas ONLY because 1)the people in my life whom I care about care about it, so it results in caring by default *lol* 2) in my new line of work, the holiday season is like the Superbowl! Busy & crazy! But even before then, I always seized the opportunity to show off my skills and bake my ass off! *lol* What I don't get is: all the central "reasons for the season" are things we should be mindful of all year: Thankfulness of what one has, giving to others, enjoying quality time with loved ones, keeping in touch with family. These are things that should be done ALL THROUGHOUT the year. What makes Christmas so special then? It's even argued that Christ's birthday didn't even happen at this time *lol*. So what's left when you strip all the above away? Overeating & buying crap? An excuse for overindulgence and overspending? And looking at the vicious greedy herds of consumers that mob the stores during this time of year...Yelling...shoving...sometimes even punching, even literal TRAMPLING over one another. Doesn't really help with the case for Christmas either. Count me out. Ok, I get wanting to try hard to get just the right thing for someone you love, but that doesn't get you off the hook from showing some basic civility to the person next to you. If Christmas permanently went away for whatever reason, I really wouldn't miss it... I would just feel for the people that would.
(mental) constipation *lmao*
Damn! I can't believe I've been away for HOW many months??? Holy crap! Where did the time go? So much crap has happened too... As usual, my birthday came and went virtually unnoticed (I really should re-examine the "friendships" I keep *lol*). The end of my marriage being one of the biggest things... I guess you'll be hearing more of that as I go along (in case you haven't already gotten an earful talking to me in the real world *lol*)... That, and, writer's block can sure be one mean bitch! There were lot of times where I didn't really think there was much worth sharing...but I see that doesn't stop other people with their blogs *lol*. Maybe I'm too critical of myself...No, no maybe...I AM... If I'm not hard on myself, I won't get jack shit done. I don't know how else to be *shrug*
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Don't tell anyone, but uh...
I do something I'm not supposed to...shyeahh, BIG news, right? *lol* Something that, over time, I started to feel more jusitification and less shame. I've done it so much, I've actually become a pro at it...or, become closer TO one...
...I smuggle stuff into movie theaters *lol*. What, you thought it might've had something to do with anarchism? I can't tell you about any of that, THAT'S classified *lol* Telling you would mean involving you, and trust me you don't want to be traced to any of that *lol*
It's gotten to the point where I feel it's OK (and NO, you WON'T find any picnic baskets under my hoodie *lol*...You won't find me "keistering" anything in either *lmao*). I mean, hey, what can you do when you're hungry but all you're restricted to choose from is 1) unappetizingly greasy, salty artificial crap ...OR... 2) ridiculously overpriced unappetizing, greasy, salty artificial crap??? Hell, EVERYTHING edible or potable for sale at a theater is ridiculously overpriced. Excuse me? 4 bucks for a 16 oz bottle of water? 4 bucks? That's not water, THAT'S DIAMOND JUICE!!! *lol* At least put some gold flakes on the bottom, make it feel more like I'm getting my money's worth *lol*
Now, if you'll excuse me...I'm about to take a power bar out of my secret jacket pocket and sneak a can of sugar-free energy drink out from between my cleavage, the show's about to start! *lmao*
...I smuggle stuff into movie theaters *lol*. What, you thought it might've had something to do with anarchism? I can't tell you about any of that, THAT'S classified *lol* Telling you would mean involving you, and trust me you don't want to be traced to any of that *lol*
It's gotten to the point where I feel it's OK (and NO, you WON'T find any picnic baskets under my hoodie *lol*...You won't find me "keistering" anything in either *lmao*). I mean, hey, what can you do when you're hungry but all you're restricted to choose from is 1) unappetizingly greasy, salty artificial crap ...OR... 2) ridiculously overpriced unappetizing, greasy, salty artificial crap??? Hell, EVERYTHING edible or potable for sale at a theater is ridiculously overpriced. Excuse me? 4 bucks for a 16 oz bottle of water? 4 bucks? That's not water, THAT'S DIAMOND JUICE!!! *lol* At least put some gold flakes on the bottom, make it feel more like I'm getting my money's worth *lol*
Now, if you'll excuse me...I'm about to take a power bar out of my secret jacket pocket and sneak a can of sugar-free energy drink out from between my cleavage, the show's about to start! *lmao*
Monday, May 17, 2010
Just dunk me in coffee & call it a day...
Things are getting better. I'm getting the hang of things. Tough to keep up, though. And MAN does this wipe me out! By the time I'm done, I'm coated in flour, sugar & chocolate...I feel like a frikkin' donut *lol* I'm surrounded by flour, butter & sugar alllllllll day long...echhh...Vegetables sure are a sight for sore eyes *lol*...Or water that DOESN'T come from a faucet! I NEVER thought I'd get sick of chocolate! Never! *lol* People keep making assumptions that since I'm surrounded by sweets that I have a hard time keeping myself from picking at them. To tell you the truth, the sweet I DO have a hard time keeping myself from picking at is the fresh fruit *lol* The fruit that's not quite old, but is too ripe for presentation, I sneak some in *lol* Hey, it was about to go in the trash anyway *lol* And, as a bonus, every burp sends me on a 2 second tropical vacation *lmao*
My hands are all cut up. Half my fingers are bandaged right now...I mean, some of my fingers are bandaged, I don't mean I have half-fingers *lol*. I'm typing to you on stumps right now *lmao*...Well, apparently band-aid-covered fingers ARE about as clumsy to type with *lol*. Aw hell, YOU know what I mean...I'm tired...Shit, what day is it? I lost track, like, 3 daylights ago *lmao* Ohhh, the weekend just passed, huh? ...No WONDER it was so goddamned BUSY these past couple days *lol* Damn! I missed my Saturday morning Ninja Turtles *lol* 8.P Unfortunately though, it looks like the restaurant is getting a change of ownership, which not only means I'm probably not going to get the job, it means the EXISTING staff might lose THEIR jobs. *sigh* It was nice while it lasted I guess. Back to retail hell :.(
My hands are all cut up. Half my fingers are bandaged right now...I mean, some of my fingers are bandaged, I don't mean I have half-fingers *lol*. I'm typing to you on stumps right now *lmao*...Well, apparently band-aid-covered fingers ARE about as clumsy to type with *lol*. Aw hell, YOU know what I mean...I'm tired...Shit, what day is it? I lost track, like, 3 daylights ago *lmao* Ohhh, the weekend just passed, huh? ...No WONDER it was so goddamned BUSY these past couple days *lol* Damn! I missed my Saturday morning Ninja Turtles *lol* 8.P Unfortunately though, it looks like the restaurant is getting a change of ownership, which not only means I'm probably not going to get the job, it means the EXISTING staff might lose THEIR jobs. *sigh* It was nice while it lasted I guess. Back to retail hell :.(
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Oh sheet(cake)!!!
The only time in life when the term "getting laid" is a BAD thing is when you add the word "OFF". That's what happened to me. Yeah, it was bad...cuz, there goes my money. If I run out of money, I'll wind up "outdoors" and I DON'T mean camping!!!But, in some ways it was good. I mean, I was meaning to take the next ticket out of there anyways. I never meant to work there that long, and I was already burned out. My mind would just shift into auto-pilot after awhile and sometimes I would catch myself daydreaming and snap out of it only to realize I was halfway done with my assignment. I was so engrossed in thought, I wasn't even aware of where I was or what I was doing during that time, I was just moving my body mindlessly like an automaton. Yeah, that's a DEFINITE sign it's time to go! *lol* Another indicator that it was time was the new rule that we were now supposed to be helpful to customers! What??? Working WITHOUT having to put up with idiot-ass customers was a reason, if not THE reason I even applied for that job! *lol* That job sent me to several stores a month, so I would only typically know where the bathroom, breakroom & exits are, how the fuck should I know where the peanut butter is? How am I EXPECTED to know if I won't see the place again for weeks? Chances are, you stupid fucktard, you 1) walked RIGHT PAST IT en route to asking ME where the hell it is, or 2) right while you're asking me, it was an arms length from right in front of your ugly, inbred, mouth-breathing face all along. Maybe it would help if you put your fucking cell phone down and LOOK AT THE SHELVES instead of everywhere else like the floor, ceiling and the phone keypad, knucklehead. If you customers are TOO EFFING STUPID to REALIZE that we wore NO uniforms, wore NO name tag or displayed any OTHER indication that we are store employees, yet you STILL mistake us for store employees, then sadly, the kind of "help" you customers REALLY need CAN'T BE FOUND IN ANY STORE (o_O)
Apparently, according to the new rule, answering customers' questions with "I don't work here" is interpreted as offensive and/or rude. I can't determine which I lack fluency in: diplomacy or speaking moron? I never saw it as "rude" OR "offensive". I saw it as a favor: 1) I'm telling them I can't help them because I genuinely don't know, 2) it's admitting I'm of no use to them if my guess is just as good as theirs, and 3)it's a recommendation for them to find someone who CAN help them because, by asking me, they're wasting BOTH our time. My former co-workers are such sellouts. They got intimidated by this new rule and now drop whatever the were doing whenever they're approached by a mental-midget...uhrrr...I mean, CUSTOMER, with a question. Whether they KNOW the answer to their question or NOT! If they DON'T know, they stop & leave their work behind to walk around the store with the customer until they find whatever it is that's being looked for. One wandering know-nothing idiot are now TWO wandering, know-nothing idiots. When you put two empty-heads together, all you get is a hollow noise! All this really did in the end is make the team fall behind, leaving us to finish later, pushing back the time to go home even further, and 75% of the time the customer usually wound up having to go to a STORE employee to ask ANYWAY. Excuse me, WHO is this helping??? Am I missing something???
Customers sure are a curiously dumb creature. And getting dumber by the second. I have no patience for them at all. I am as "in my element" in retail as a fish in the sand. It's really best that someone ELSE deal with thier douchebaggery. Which is why I'm glad I came upon an opportunity for a new job that has nothing to do with dealing with them anymore. I'm happy if I can punch in at a place where I can work happily AWAY from having to see or speak to (or listen to) them. Even better, have someone ELSE deal with them *lol*. AND, even better than THAT, it's something I actually LIKE doing...that's nice for a change *lol*. I'm at a fancy French restaurant by the beach getting trained to be a pastry chef!!!
I NEVER imagined that would happen to me! *lol* I'm not hired yet though, and there's no guarantee I will, as I have zero experience doing this professionally...Domestically (for fam & friends)? YES, TONS of experience!Professionally? Nada! *lol* BUT...Shit, even if I don't get this, I'm getting some experience that'll help get me in somewhere else... AND at least I could say I once worked as a pastry chef at a fancy French restaurant on the beach, who gets the chance to be able to claim THAT? (though my friends know I'm NOT the bragging type, in fact I'm anything BUT! *lol*)AND, this is my possible break at forever breaking "the experience curse". "The experience curse" is the eternal catch-22, where you're left stuck having to stick with a job you know, whether you want to keep doing it or not, and your best chance at getting taken seriously is by applying for jobs you have experience for (my curse is anything in retail). But how can I get experience if I don't get a chance? How can I get a chance if I don't have experience? How can I get experience if I don't get a chance? Ad infinitum....
AND, this is excellent proof that it's NEVER about WHAT you know, it's about WHO you know! I've said it a million times, people! I NEVER would've had this chance without the right connection, and there have been many jobs in the past that I knew I was perfect for, only to get passed over for (what I later found out was) a COMPLETE ingrate...BUT...he was a complete ingrate who DID happen to "know somebody"...
Apparently, according to the new rule, answering customers' questions with "I don't work here" is interpreted as offensive and/or rude. I can't determine which I lack fluency in: diplomacy or speaking moron? I never saw it as "rude" OR "offensive". I saw it as a favor: 1) I'm telling them I can't help them because I genuinely don't know, 2) it's admitting I'm of no use to them if my guess is just as good as theirs, and 3)it's a recommendation for them to find someone who CAN help them because, by asking me, they're wasting BOTH our time. My former co-workers are such sellouts. They got intimidated by this new rule and now drop whatever the were doing whenever they're approached by a mental-midget...uhrrr...I mean, CUSTOMER, with a question. Whether they KNOW the answer to their question or NOT! If they DON'T know, they stop & leave their work behind to walk around the store with the customer until they find whatever it is that's being looked for. One wandering know-nothing idiot are now TWO wandering, know-nothing idiots. When you put two empty-heads together, all you get is a hollow noise! All this really did in the end is make the team fall behind, leaving us to finish later, pushing back the time to go home even further, and 75% of the time the customer usually wound up having to go to a STORE employee to ask ANYWAY. Excuse me, WHO is this helping??? Am I missing something???
Customers sure are a curiously dumb creature. And getting dumber by the second. I have no patience for them at all. I am as "in my element" in retail as a fish in the sand. It's really best that someone ELSE deal with thier douchebaggery. Which is why I'm glad I came upon an opportunity for a new job that has nothing to do with dealing with them anymore. I'm happy if I can punch in at a place where I can work happily AWAY from having to see or speak to (or listen to) them. Even better, have someone ELSE deal with them *lol*. AND, even better than THAT, it's something I actually LIKE doing...that's nice for a change *lol*. I'm at a fancy French restaurant by the beach getting trained to be a pastry chef!!!
I NEVER imagined that would happen to me! *lol* I'm not hired yet though, and there's no guarantee I will, as I have zero experience doing this professionally...Domestically (for fam & friends)? YES, TONS of experience!Professionally? Nada! *lol* BUT...Shit, even if I don't get this, I'm getting some experience that'll help get me in somewhere else... AND at least I could say I once worked as a pastry chef at a fancy French restaurant on the beach, who gets the chance to be able to claim THAT? (though my friends know I'm NOT the bragging type, in fact I'm anything BUT! *lol*)AND, this is my possible break at forever breaking "the experience curse". "The experience curse" is the eternal catch-22, where you're left stuck having to stick with a job you know, whether you want to keep doing it or not, and your best chance at getting taken seriously is by applying for jobs you have experience for (my curse is anything in retail). But how can I get experience if I don't get a chance? How can I get a chance if I don't have experience? How can I get experience if I don't get a chance? Ad infinitum....
AND, this is excellent proof that it's NEVER about WHAT you know, it's about WHO you know! I've said it a million times, people! I NEVER would've had this chance without the right connection, and there have been many jobs in the past that I knew I was perfect for, only to get passed over for (what I later found out was) a COMPLETE ingrate...BUT...he was a complete ingrate who DID happen to "know somebody"...
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Perspective of a childfree individual
"The baby trap" by Ellen Peck is a fantastic book. Alas, it's out of print. But if you happen to find it, HOLD ONTO IT! It's a gem! And it would still be on my bookshelf today if it weren't for my stinkin' in-laws. It's a book that I think is SO great, it should be REQUIRED READING in public school. Really.
It's tragic how, in this day in age, with all our modern advances in technology and medicine (and more to the point CONTRACEPTION), how CLUELESS people ARE at the FACT that having kids is a CHOICE! Some people really have no idea that's what it is! So many think having kids "is just something that happens". WTF? Get your head out of the middle ages! I truly believe that if books like "the baby trap" (or pretty much ANY book from THIS LIST ) was requisite learning in schools, there would be far less shitty parents out there (or less people having kids period) and less problems in society as a whole, as I believe that by educating people with the fact that there IS a choice (and that there's no guilt or shame in saying NO if you so wish), it would at least buy a little extra time to stop and think. Perhaps afford people more time in their lives to do...well...ANYTHING ELSE *lol*!!! Anything from getting/finishing one's education, seeing the world, expanding your talents(or discovering one you never thought you had), or the likelier and more practical direction of just figuring your life out. Too many people wind up struggling needlessly to acheive this (or attempt to acheive) this in the wrong order as a result of not knowing...or knowing only after it was too late. It's tough to get sight of the EXISTENCE of such a choice when right from the beginning, people are almost "programmed" from virtually every angle of life to have kids, usually starting out when that person is a kid themself. Especially females, where many "toys" geared towards them are really training implements to stimulate a female's intrinsic "nesting" impulse. Domestic activity "playsets" (playing house, tea sets, strollers, toy ovens, shopping carts, ironing board sets, etc.), dolls that are PREGNANT or HAVE BABIES. Baby-shaped dolls that encourage you to learn feeding & how to change diapers. Dolls that teach you how to dress. And once the child is grown it doesn't stop there! The media paints the picture of parenthood in glowing pastel shades in their printed ads and within a fuzzy soft-focus lens in their commercials. Diaper ads/commercials, which so often have nothing to do with the things diapers are made for, make parent/baby interactions look almost transcendant. The whole image of "Mom & apple pie" is one that's synonymous with "Americana". But little do people realize that it's a MYTH whose TRUE origin was a marketing campaign courtesy of the ad dept. of American commercialism. It goes to show you THAT'S how DEEPLY embedded this is in the nation's psyche. Commercialism itself praises having babies, the idea behind their logic of course being more babies=more future consumers. Of course we're all witnessing the effects of it's consequences, as this video illustrates. Gossip rags glorify the pregnancy of a celeb(even the ones who were only famous for 15 min), giving motherhood a glamorous or even "sexy" (gag!) spin on it. Making it a FAD almost. A baby is now the hot fashion accessory. Because...like...carrying a mini doggie in your handbag is, like, sooooo last year.
Movies/TV shows portray having babies as a "fix-to-all-that-ails-ya" for your life, whatever one's problem might be. Whether it be a soul-deadening case of ennui, or a relationship on the brink (the movie "the good girl" with Jennifer Aniston is a prime example that includes these very 2 issues, incidentally, both problems are magically & mysteriously solved with the arrival of a baby). Alternatively, there's the program "16 & pregnant" whose true message often soars right over the heads of it's intended audience. What is often learned instead is that having a baby can be a sure ticket to tv fame. And the pro-natal bias even follows you into the working world. Can you believe some promotions (or even the decision to be HIRED) can be based upon whether or not you have kids? The perpetuation of the stereotype that a "family man" is more responsible, trustworthy and works harder than a "confirmed bachelor". Which is exactly what it is, a STEREOTYPE! Hello? MORE responsibility DOES NOT make you more responsible!!! Look at Flavor Flav! *lmao* Look at the Duggars...that's not responsibility(OR doing God's work as the Duggars' claim), that's LITTERING!!! And don't get me started on "Octo-mom"! While being unmarried and/or childfree can actually cost you a promotion, or in some cases, a JOB, because you're stereotyped as irresponsible, selfish, lazy and forever stuck in "party-mode" (why aren't the negative stereotypes for parenthood given equal consideration?). And with society in general, it seems no matter what social circle you're in, if you DON'T have kids, you're viewed as weird and are subject to a barrage of questions/pressure until you 1)conform or 2)find a new circle of friends. FAMILY is often WORSE than friends in that area, unfortunately you can't trade in family members as easily as you can friends *lol*!!! And if that isn't enough, the GOVERNMENT is ready to BRIBE you to have kids in the form of a "child tax credit"...And if you're poor, Uncle Scam sez: have more kids! Because welfare will pay you MORE for every kid you have! (I have a relative who used to have kids SPECIFICALLY FOR getting a bigger welfare payment! He was ordered by them to stop at 9!)
Feminist groups are no refuge, in fact, they (of all people) are TRAITOROUSLY pro-natal! Their opinion goes as far to say you're NOT a REAL woman UNLESS you FULFILL YOUR DUTY to reproduce! Sounds like something out of the 50's! What happened to being "liberated" in your freedom to make a choice? I've heard enough of their crap opinion to understand that they equate a baby as the ultimate medal of honor in femininity. That doesn't make me feel very "liberated". THAT makes me feel reduced to a walking, talking uterus with a head! So much for finding support/understanding THERE! Poor lady-sheep have lost their way SO badly, they're actually moving BACKWARDS *lol*. I probably missed several other sources of pressure to have kids, but I'm ALREADY talking WAY more than I planned to *lol*!
Just as not everyone on earth is cut out to be a parent (which I believe there'll never be hope of the world becoming a better place until people OFFICIALLY ADMIT that AS FACT), not everyone is cut out to be childfree. Contrary to common belief, childfreedom DOES NOT equal being ANTI-CHILD (at least as far as I'M concerned). Nor is true childfreedom about pushing(or coercing one into) the ideal that nobody should have kids the same way so many childed people have tried to push (or coerce) the idea on ME to HAVE them. I'm aware that there really are SUPER parents out there who DO have kids they LOVE, kids they WANT and PLANNED for and who DO their absolute best to raise them into wonderful ADULTS, and I wish with all my heart there were MORE of them out there. However the fact is, there AREN'T. Not only are TOO MANY people having TOO MANY kids, they're HAVING them for the WRONG REASONS...And in the long run, society suffers (This is but one of my 1,000 reasons I'm opting out on kids, I don't want to contribute to the world in that way).
What really gets under my skin is how people judge my decision as THOUGHTLESS & SELFISH when I witness many of THEM becoming parents NOT because it's THEIR choice, but because of a result of a thoughtless act. Pregnancy now merely reduced to a SIDE EFFECT of having sex instead of the careful, serious life choice it SHOULD BE. Whereas I gave the decision an EXCRUCIATING amount of thought. I mean...seriously...it's a question I've weighed in my mind since I was around 8 years old, if THAT says anything to ya.
As far as being "selfish" for not wanting kids, I know there are SOME childfrees out there who actually fit the descrip. however I feel many of my reasons ARE NOT self-based...and the pisser is, many of the people who judge ME as selfish for MY reasons for NOT having kids are THEMSELVES selfish in THEIR reasons for HAVING them!
To illustrate an example, here's a little exercise you can try at home, boys & girls. This might help give you a little insight on what I mean. If you have a list of what you feel are THE BEST reasons for having kids, go on ahead and make that list, only THIS TIME EXCLUDE the words "I WANT...". For extra credit, exclude the words "I", "me", "my" or "myself"...
Stumped? Yeah...
If you can come up with at least 1 or 2 reasons EXCLUDING those words (coming up with 3 would SHOCK me), then (as far as I can tell), odds are you are parent-material. Kudos to you. Bust out the confetti. Roll out the party wagon *lol*
If you CAN'T, then that indicates to me your reasons for having kids ARE self-based, as (according to MY experience) hearing a reason to have kids that DON'T start out with "I want", "myself", "I" or involve any variation of the word "me" is as rare as a unicorn that farts rainbows...Now, this is NOT pointed out to shame you for having kids for the wrong reasons. What can I say about that? It is what it is. Nor is any of this intended to alienate or insult any of my childed friends. I'm only saying that if this is indeed the case with you, you forfeit your right to judge me on my supposed selfishness and therefore must STFU.
I've experienced alot of judgement and hatred for my decision to not have kids, and I really can't understand why. The word "childfree" seems to evoke such negative feelings among the general public for some reason. And myths such as childfree=child HATRED (SO NOT true as far as I'm concerned!). To me childfreedom is simply a CHOICE! Being "childfree" DOES NOT in ANY WAY say that it's WRONG to have kids. It simply says it's wrong for THAT INDIVIDUAL to have kids, for reasons that are all their own. I'm saying people should not automatically assume that one should have children just because they CAN. And I'm saying that subscribing to the belief that the ability to parent is an INBORN trait, like learning to walk, is RIDICULOUSLY, INCREDIBLY WRONG!!! It's a MYTH and it needs to end NOW! It's hard-wired in a human's brain to mate, but we all know reproduction/parenting are NOT interchangeable things. Parenting is a SKILL that MUST BE LEARNED. People so easily mistake one's set of working parts for qualifications/credentials for being a parent. Now THAT'S pretty THOUGHTLESS if you ask ME! The ability to parent is a learned skill, and it's one that not everyone is naturally...well, a "natural" at doing. Childfreedom means simply opting out of parenthood. More often than not, it's usually done AFTER PAINSTAKING consideration. It's ironic to me how many people become parents without taking a fraction of the consideration a childfree takes in deciding not have kids.
I know better than to stereotype all parents as self-indulgent, egocentric, thoughtless, wasteful, ignorant breeders. I know that many are, but it would be wrong & unfair for me to say ALL of them ARE. By the same token, I know not all childfrees make their choice out of consideration of the future (as I do). The ugly truth is, stereotypes still exist only because there are enough living examples that exist to reinforce them. In the few childfrees I have managed to find, there's a small sliver of them who really ARE douchebags that I DO NOT wish to associate with! Some who really ARE child-hating, self-absorbed SNOBS who are NO fun & pretentious as FUCK! Not to mention, I've heard enough bad experiences about that annual childfree convention (and the kinds of people who attend them) to keep me away. And have you ever joined a childfree social gathering? One word: yawn! *lol*
So, the idea that childfree=the belief that having kids is wrong isn't QUITE accurate. Nothing's wrong with having kids so long as it's for the right reasons and you go in KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT the HELL YOU'RE DOING!!! I don't personally AGREE with the decision to have kids, but as an individual who's free to make their own choice, I respect that and (unless my opinion is asked) I leave them alone (I wish I were treated with that same respect). In my mind, it's more about encouraging PREVENTION of what might be a not-so-great decision and/or AT LEAST a little INTELLECTUAL HESITATION about the decision than saying "I hate kids!!! Parents=dumbshits!!!" . So I don't get how someone like me gets treated as a VILLIAN or a THREAT. Perhaps I'm a bitter reminder of the freedom they traded off on what they might now feel is a bum deal? Perhaps I'm viewed as a living antithesis to their "values" and "ideals", and that makes them uncomfortable??? (well, boo-freaking-hoo!*lol*) Perhaps they see someone like me as a wrench in their quest to find reinforcement/assurance/approval for their life choices (which is a bullshit cop-out to look ANYWHERE OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF for)??? Well, what do you want me to say? Sorry? *lol* That's just not happening. There's nothing to apologize for. If I wanna be free, I gotta be me!
Oh, and one last thought on the concept of what TRUE SELFISHNESS IS...
Oscar Wilde, an author/poet WAY ahead of his time, and who is one of my favorites, spoke about selfishness. He said something along the lines of: "Selfishness ISN'T living in however manner YOU wish to live, TRUE selfishness is wishing for OTHERS to live in whichever manner YOU wish to live"...Think about THAT one if ever you feel the urge to sell the idea of "the joys of parenthood" (or attempt to guilt me, judge me, coerce me, or tell me how selfish I am for wanting no part of it) to someone like me...
It's tragic how, in this day in age, with all our modern advances in technology and medicine (and more to the point CONTRACEPTION), how CLUELESS people ARE at the FACT that having kids is a CHOICE! Some people really have no idea that's what it is! So many think having kids "is just something that happens". WTF? Get your head out of the middle ages! I truly believe that if books like "the baby trap" (or pretty much ANY book from THIS LIST ) was requisite learning in schools, there would be far less shitty parents out there (or less people having kids period) and less problems in society as a whole, as I believe that by educating people with the fact that there IS a choice (and that there's no guilt or shame in saying NO if you so wish), it would at least buy a little extra time to stop and think. Perhaps afford people more time in their lives to do...well...ANYTHING ELSE *lol*!!! Anything from getting/finishing one's education, seeing the world, expanding your talents(or discovering one you never thought you had), or the likelier and more practical direction of just figuring your life out. Too many people wind up struggling needlessly to acheive this (or attempt to acheive) this in the wrong order as a result of not knowing...or knowing only after it was too late. It's tough to get sight of the EXISTENCE of such a choice when right from the beginning, people are almost "programmed" from virtually every angle of life to have kids, usually starting out when that person is a kid themself. Especially females, where many "toys" geared towards them are really training implements to stimulate a female's intrinsic "nesting" impulse. Domestic activity "playsets" (playing house, tea sets, strollers, toy ovens, shopping carts, ironing board sets, etc.), dolls that are PREGNANT or HAVE BABIES. Baby-shaped dolls that encourage you to learn feeding & how to change diapers. Dolls that teach you how to dress. And once the child is grown it doesn't stop there! The media paints the picture of parenthood in glowing pastel shades in their printed ads and within a fuzzy soft-focus lens in their commercials. Diaper ads/commercials, which so often have nothing to do with the things diapers are made for, make parent/baby interactions look almost transcendant. The whole image of "Mom & apple pie" is one that's synonymous with "Americana". But little do people realize that it's a MYTH whose TRUE origin was a marketing campaign courtesy of the ad dept. of American commercialism. It goes to show you THAT'S how DEEPLY embedded this is in the nation's psyche. Commercialism itself praises having babies, the idea behind their logic of course being more babies=more future consumers. Of course we're all witnessing the effects of it's consequences, as this video illustrates. Gossip rags glorify the pregnancy of a celeb(even the ones who were only famous for 15 min), giving motherhood a glamorous or even "sexy" (gag!) spin on it. Making it a FAD almost. A baby is now the hot fashion accessory. Because...like...carrying a mini doggie in your handbag is, like, sooooo last year.
Movies/TV shows portray having babies as a "fix-to-all-that-ails-ya" for your life, whatever one's problem might be. Whether it be a soul-deadening case of ennui, or a relationship on the brink (the movie "the good girl" with Jennifer Aniston is a prime example that includes these very 2 issues, incidentally, both problems are magically & mysteriously solved with the arrival of a baby). Alternatively, there's the program "16 & pregnant" whose true message often soars right over the heads of it's intended audience. What is often learned instead is that having a baby can be a sure ticket to tv fame. And the pro-natal bias even follows you into the working world. Can you believe some promotions (or even the decision to be HIRED) can be based upon whether or not you have kids? The perpetuation of the stereotype that a "family man" is more responsible, trustworthy and works harder than a "confirmed bachelor". Which is exactly what it is, a STEREOTYPE! Hello? MORE responsibility DOES NOT make you more responsible!!! Look at Flavor Flav! *lmao* Look at the Duggars...that's not responsibility(OR doing God's work as the Duggars' claim), that's LITTERING!!! And don't get me started on "Octo-mom"! While being unmarried and/or childfree can actually cost you a promotion, or in some cases, a JOB, because you're stereotyped as irresponsible, selfish, lazy and forever stuck in "party-mode" (why aren't the negative stereotypes for parenthood given equal consideration?). And with society in general, it seems no matter what social circle you're in, if you DON'T have kids, you're viewed as weird and are subject to a barrage of questions/pressure until you 1)conform or 2)find a new circle of friends. FAMILY is often WORSE than friends in that area, unfortunately you can't trade in family members as easily as you can friends *lol*!!! And if that isn't enough, the GOVERNMENT is ready to BRIBE you to have kids in the form of a "child tax credit"...And if you're poor, Uncle Scam sez: have more kids! Because welfare will pay you MORE for every kid you have! (I have a relative who used to have kids SPECIFICALLY FOR getting a bigger welfare payment! He was ordered by them to stop at 9!)
Feminist groups are no refuge, in fact, they (of all people) are TRAITOROUSLY pro-natal! Their opinion goes as far to say you're NOT a REAL woman UNLESS you FULFILL YOUR DUTY to reproduce! Sounds like something out of the 50's! What happened to being "liberated" in your freedom to make a choice? I've heard enough of their crap opinion to understand that they equate a baby as the ultimate medal of honor in femininity. That doesn't make me feel very "liberated". THAT makes me feel reduced to a walking, talking uterus with a head! So much for finding support/understanding THERE! Poor lady-sheep have lost their way SO badly, they're actually moving BACKWARDS *lol*. I probably missed several other sources of pressure to have kids, but I'm ALREADY talking WAY more than I planned to *lol*!
Just as not everyone on earth is cut out to be a parent (which I believe there'll never be hope of the world becoming a better place until people OFFICIALLY ADMIT that AS FACT), not everyone is cut out to be childfree. Contrary to common belief, childfreedom DOES NOT equal being ANTI-CHILD (at least as far as I'M concerned). Nor is true childfreedom about pushing(or coercing one into) the ideal that nobody should have kids the same way so many childed people have tried to push (or coerce) the idea on ME to HAVE them. I'm aware that there really are SUPER parents out there who DO have kids they LOVE, kids they WANT and PLANNED for and who DO their absolute best to raise them into wonderful ADULTS, and I wish with all my heart there were MORE of them out there. However the fact is, there AREN'T. Not only are TOO MANY people having TOO MANY kids, they're HAVING them for the WRONG REASONS...And in the long run, society suffers (This is but one of my 1,000 reasons I'm opting out on kids, I don't want to contribute to the world in that way).
What really gets under my skin is how people judge my decision as THOUGHTLESS & SELFISH when I witness many of THEM becoming parents NOT because it's THEIR choice, but because of a result of a thoughtless act. Pregnancy now merely reduced to a SIDE EFFECT of having sex instead of the careful, serious life choice it SHOULD BE. Whereas I gave the decision an EXCRUCIATING amount of thought. I mean...seriously...it's a question I've weighed in my mind since I was around 8 years old, if THAT says anything to ya.
As far as being "selfish" for not wanting kids, I know there are SOME childfrees out there who actually fit the descrip. however I feel many of my reasons ARE NOT self-based...and the pisser is, many of the people who judge ME as selfish for MY reasons for NOT having kids are THEMSELVES selfish in THEIR reasons for HAVING them!
To illustrate an example, here's a little exercise you can try at home, boys & girls. This might help give you a little insight on what I mean. If you have a list of what you feel are THE BEST reasons for having kids, go on ahead and make that list, only THIS TIME EXCLUDE the words "I WANT...". For extra credit, exclude the words "I", "me", "my" or "myself"...
Stumped? Yeah...
If you can come up with at least 1 or 2 reasons EXCLUDING those words (coming up with 3 would SHOCK me), then (as far as I can tell), odds are you are parent-material. Kudos to you. Bust out the confetti. Roll out the party wagon *lol*
If you CAN'T, then that indicates to me your reasons for having kids ARE self-based, as (according to MY experience) hearing a reason to have kids that DON'T start out with "I want", "myself", "I" or involve any variation of the word "me" is as rare as a unicorn that farts rainbows...Now, this is NOT pointed out to shame you for having kids for the wrong reasons. What can I say about that? It is what it is. Nor is any of this intended to alienate or insult any of my childed friends. I'm only saying that if this is indeed the case with you, you forfeit your right to judge me on my supposed selfishness and therefore must STFU.
I've experienced alot of judgement and hatred for my decision to not have kids, and I really can't understand why. The word "childfree" seems to evoke such negative feelings among the general public for some reason. And myths such as childfree=child HATRED (SO NOT true as far as I'm concerned!). To me childfreedom is simply a CHOICE! Being "childfree" DOES NOT in ANY WAY say that it's WRONG to have kids. It simply says it's wrong for THAT INDIVIDUAL to have kids, for reasons that are all their own. I'm saying people should not automatically assume that one should have children just because they CAN. And I'm saying that subscribing to the belief that the ability to parent is an INBORN trait, like learning to walk, is RIDICULOUSLY, INCREDIBLY WRONG!!! It's a MYTH and it needs to end NOW! It's hard-wired in a human's brain to mate, but we all know reproduction/parenting are NOT interchangeable things. Parenting is a SKILL that MUST BE LEARNED. People so easily mistake one's set of working parts for qualifications/credentials for being a parent. Now THAT'S pretty THOUGHTLESS if you ask ME! The ability to parent is a learned skill, and it's one that not everyone is naturally...well, a "natural" at doing. Childfreedom means simply opting out of parenthood. More often than not, it's usually done AFTER PAINSTAKING consideration. It's ironic to me how many people become parents without taking a fraction of the consideration a childfree takes in deciding not have kids.
I know better than to stereotype all parents as self-indulgent, egocentric, thoughtless, wasteful, ignorant breeders. I know that many are, but it would be wrong & unfair for me to say ALL of them ARE. By the same token, I know not all childfrees make their choice out of consideration of the future (as I do). The ugly truth is, stereotypes still exist only because there are enough living examples that exist to reinforce them. In the few childfrees I have managed to find, there's a small sliver of them who really ARE douchebags that I DO NOT wish to associate with! Some who really ARE child-hating, self-absorbed SNOBS who are NO fun & pretentious as FUCK! Not to mention, I've heard enough bad experiences about that annual childfree convention (and the kinds of people who attend them) to keep me away. And have you ever joined a childfree social gathering? One word: yawn! *lol*
So, the idea that childfree=the belief that having kids is wrong isn't QUITE accurate. Nothing's wrong with having kids so long as it's for the right reasons and you go in KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT the HELL YOU'RE DOING!!! I don't personally AGREE with the decision to have kids, but as an individual who's free to make their own choice, I respect that and (unless my opinion is asked) I leave them alone (I wish I were treated with that same respect). In my mind, it's more about encouraging PREVENTION of what might be a not-so-great decision and/or AT LEAST a little INTELLECTUAL HESITATION about the decision than saying "I hate kids!!! Parents=dumbshits!!!" . So I don't get how someone like me gets treated as a VILLIAN or a THREAT. Perhaps I'm a bitter reminder of the freedom they traded off on what they might now feel is a bum deal? Perhaps I'm viewed as a living antithesis to their "values" and "ideals", and that makes them uncomfortable??? (well, boo-freaking-hoo!*lol*) Perhaps they see someone like me as a wrench in their quest to find reinforcement/assurance/approval for their life choices (which is a bullshit cop-out to look ANYWHERE OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF for)??? Well, what do you want me to say? Sorry? *lol* That's just not happening. There's nothing to apologize for. If I wanna be free, I gotta be me!
Oh, and one last thought on the concept of what TRUE SELFISHNESS IS...
Oscar Wilde, an author/poet WAY ahead of his time, and who is one of my favorites, spoke about selfishness. He said something along the lines of: "Selfishness ISN'T living in however manner YOU wish to live, TRUE selfishness is wishing for OTHERS to live in whichever manner YOU wish to live"...Think about THAT one if ever you feel the urge to sell the idea of "the joys of parenthood" (or attempt to guilt me, judge me, coerce me, or tell me how selfish I am for wanting no part of it) to someone like me...
Sunday, March 21, 2010
So...what now?
Since talking about my not believing in marriage anymore, I'm starting to get asked: "if you don't believe in marriage anymore, then...what DO you believe in? Should people just live the rest of their lives alone? Or that you advocate living in "sin"?"
I don't make impulsive statements. Especially one that heavy. If you ever do hear something out of me, it's usually because I've thought it over 1000 times, thought it through again and thought it through some more... And I contemplated that question. I don't really have an easy answer...it's a simple one, but I know all too well that in life, "easy" and "simple" ARE NOT always one & the same...Letting go of a belief that you've known & lived with all your life, even though it doesn't serve you and holds you back from what you really want, is a scary thing. Sometimes, for some people, it's too scary to even THINK about, let alone WANT to try...
What I believe instead:
1)Promising your partner forever SEEMS like the greatest, most romantic, loving thing you can do (not to mention it makes for great photos and looks even BETTER ON PAPER). But, as I said earlier, such a promise can lead to bad things...Complacency, boredom, taking that person for granted. Not to mention, it's impossible/unrealistic to promise your partner 'tomorrow' when 'tomorrow' isn't even a promise you have guaranteed for YOURSELF. How about instead, you promise your partner TODAY? For today, promise your love. Promise yourself. Promise your all. It doesn't have to be a grand ceremony or ritual...that would get really tired...It's whatever comes from your heart. The act of promising your partner 'today' everyday affords you greater freedom to follow your heart than it would to chain yourself to the invisible, intangible concept of "forever". It can all be said in just one look if you're close enough to them... Also, promising them today can be a way of letting them know your being with them comes from YOUR FEELINGS, NOT out of OBLIGATION from making a binding committment (like marriage), which makes your being with them feel MORE like it comes from a place of LOVE as opposed to a SENSE OF DUTY. And if that day comes you can no longer promise them "today", then...at the very least, aren't you glad you didn't throw "forever" at them? It makes for a far cleaner break...
2)Now THIS was a hard one for me to learn. All my life, from just about everywhere, I've been taught to "treat others the way YOU want to be treated".
Real life has pounded this lesson into my head over the years hard and long enough for me to know that THIS TOO is a myth, and it couldn't be more wrong. The trick to it REALLY is: treating others the way THEY want to be treated. Take me, for example. I consider myself to be a romantic, very affectionate person. That's how I WISH I were treated! So, if I were to continue following the way I was taught, I would still be doting on my husband...Striving to be a good wife. Lavishing him with affection, taking every opportunity to do all the little things to let him know I love him. Why? Because that's what I'VE been DYING FOR, and how I NEED to be treated! And HAVE BEEN NEEDING to be treated for YEARS! And what better way to open up the way for reciprocation than to treat him the way I want to be treated? Well, guess what? That's just not the way he thinks. Most (if not all) of my efforts would go by unacknowledged. OR, they would be acknowledged, but not seen as anything special! His idea of being loved is clearly different from mine. And continuing the way I did just led to more disappointment, frustration and hurt feelings.
Not that it's really his fault (at least not entirely). All this really IS, is one's standards/interpretation for something might just be different than yours. Giving that person YOUR version of that something in the way YOU WANT IT may just very well fly under their radar unnoticed simply because of a mismatch in definition. If what makes them happy is different for them than it is for you, of COURSE they're not going to notice, or have it mean as much to them. What a "duh" moment, you know? *lol* Just because you're close to someone doesn't mean you're in completely in sync, that too is an all too easy assumption to make. Also...I realized that treating someone the way YOU want is inadvertently being selfish in a way. You're imposing your needs onto someone else AND obligating them to reciprocate. It's often an innocent mistake, but before that realization I never was able to figure out why I've gone on for so long living without being "repayed". In case this sounds like this could apply to you, I'd suggest that you stop and take a minute to ask yourself if that's what YOU'RE doing...and take another minute to think of the way your partner might want their needs met differently than yours, and figure out ways you can meet them on THEIR level. It's no magic fix, and there's no guarantee treating them the way they want will inspire them to reciprocate, but it'll open the way for it much more easily than doing it the hard way (treating them the way YOU want to be treated). I know now that all these efforts I've made have been an overshoot. I've learned to scale back...WAY back. It hasn't been easy at all, nor has it "fixed" my problems completely. But it has helped to where I feel now he really DOES give a shit, and that my efforts weren't ENTIRELY a waste... Let's just say this #2 rule has served as my "11th hour miracle" at one point in time...
...And if after trying that, you still feel unfulfilled, and you feel your partner is still out of tune with your needs nor do they have any motivation (or even AWARENESS)towards making you happy, perhaps there is more than just a mismatch of needs/wants and you have just a plain mismatch with the partner in general...Maybe they're too wrapped up in themselves to think about you. Maybe their way of making you feel loved is making you feel needed, so their capacity to show you love is limited to just that. Don't ask me for my opinion on THAT one...at least, not just yet...the verdict's still out on THAT one in MY case *lol*
About the "living in sin" crap... The problem with that, in my eyes, is that the overwhelming majority of people who perpetuate this psychological/emotional abuse either:
1)TALK THE TALK about following the 10 commandments (or even the rules of the bible IN GENERAL), but in reality they treat the 10 commandments(or the rules set in the bible, or select passages) like a menu, picking/enforcing only the ones that are convenient for THEM to follow (or remember to follow), therefore becoming hypocrites who can't be listened to or taken seriously...
Or...
2)Don't realize that the concept of "sin" is just that, a concept...and WORSE, an UNREGULATED one. Example: Give 4 bibles to 4 people and, more often than not, you'll get 4 different interpretations. You get what I mean?
Besides, there's more than enough evidence to for me to conclude that the bible has suffered from the biggest hack job in the history of the world. Who's to say what was originally there and what was edited in/out? Who's to say that what WAS originally there WAS direct from God's mouth, or corrupted by the motive of man? Obscured by man's individual bias (or at least, the bias of whomever individual was holding that pen...er, CHISEL)? BUT...that's another topic...
IMO, so long as there are 2 consenting, unrelated adults who aren't causing harm to anyone or breaking any laws, whose fucking business is it of YOURS? Don't these christians believe that those kind of matters are between the sinner and God? Then why do they take so much liberty to enforce on "His" behalf, which is REALLY more like MEDDLING than enforcing??? What good IS the "christian" way of "enforcing"? What good does it really do? Think about it...does it really make a person stop and think, and inspire themselves to possibly experience a change of heart (or habit)? Or does it make them feel judged, shamed, condemned and hated? I've observed that usually when a christian (or "churchie") points out a "sin" in someone, it's coming from a low-level of thought. Ego based. Which is as far from "Godly-thinking" as the east is from the west. It's ego that compels one to point out a person's supposed inadequacy to make the "enforcer" feel better, perhaps even fooling themselves into thinking they're earning brownie points with God by doing what they're doing. Using the "sinner's" back as a stepstool to heaven. Which is wrong (Do THEY REALLY think that the God they're claiming to serve gets HAPPY to see his "representatives" commit this kind of jackassery?).They may think on the surface they're doing the right thing but on the deeper levels of their mind, they know what they're really doing...or perhaps they're blindly following all they were taught and really DON'T know what they're doing...either way, they're not doing a service to ANYONE by doing that, most CERTAINLY NOT GOD!!! I'm no churchie and even I CAN see THAT!!!
And, the pisser is, it doesn't have to be a public spectacle or physically violent for it to do lasting harm, like the blood-soaked Inquisition, wearing a scarlet letter, or having a mob drag one out of their home and into the streets for a good ol' fashioned stoning...it can be social ostracization, judgements disguised as "advice", a mean-spirited "joke", or it can be as simple, passive and "harmless" as a few snide remarks, whispers amongst a group, or the wrong kind of sideways glance...
Whoops...there I go off-topic again *lol*
What I DO advocate is following one's heart and doing what's right for themselves. If you do that, more often than not, the rest has a way of taking care of itself...That is, depending on IF you HAVE the courage to let go and let your heart lead (it can sure be a wild ride at times *lol*). And I advocate the idea that GOD is TOO BIG to be compartmentalized into any religion or ANY definition, including christianity. And I think that indulging in the human desire of trying to fit "Him" into a box, in and of itself, IS the TRUE sin...Chew on THAT one... :.P
I don't make impulsive statements. Especially one that heavy. If you ever do hear something out of me, it's usually because I've thought it over 1000 times, thought it through again and thought it through some more... And I contemplated that question. I don't really have an easy answer...it's a simple one, but I know all too well that in life, "easy" and "simple" ARE NOT always one & the same...Letting go of a belief that you've known & lived with all your life, even though it doesn't serve you and holds you back from what you really want, is a scary thing. Sometimes, for some people, it's too scary to even THINK about, let alone WANT to try...
What I believe instead:
1)Promising your partner forever SEEMS like the greatest, most romantic, loving thing you can do (not to mention it makes for great photos and looks even BETTER ON PAPER). But, as I said earlier, such a promise can lead to bad things...Complacency, boredom, taking that person for granted. Not to mention, it's impossible/unrealistic to promise your partner 'tomorrow' when 'tomorrow' isn't even a promise you have guaranteed for YOURSELF. How about instead, you promise your partner TODAY? For today, promise your love. Promise yourself. Promise your all. It doesn't have to be a grand ceremony or ritual...that would get really tired...It's whatever comes from your heart. The act of promising your partner 'today' everyday affords you greater freedom to follow your heart than it would to chain yourself to the invisible, intangible concept of "forever". It can all be said in just one look if you're close enough to them... Also, promising them today can be a way of letting them know your being with them comes from YOUR FEELINGS, NOT out of OBLIGATION from making a binding committment (like marriage), which makes your being with them feel MORE like it comes from a place of LOVE as opposed to a SENSE OF DUTY. And if that day comes you can no longer promise them "today", then...at the very least, aren't you glad you didn't throw "forever" at them? It makes for a far cleaner break...
2)Now THIS was a hard one for me to learn. All my life, from just about everywhere, I've been taught to "treat others the way YOU want to be treated".
Real life has pounded this lesson into my head over the years hard and long enough for me to know that THIS TOO is a myth, and it couldn't be more wrong. The trick to it REALLY is: treating others the way THEY want to be treated. Take me, for example. I consider myself to be a romantic, very affectionate person. That's how I WISH I were treated! So, if I were to continue following the way I was taught, I would still be doting on my husband...Striving to be a good wife. Lavishing him with affection, taking every opportunity to do all the little things to let him know I love him. Why? Because that's what I'VE been DYING FOR, and how I NEED to be treated! And HAVE BEEN NEEDING to be treated for YEARS! And what better way to open up the way for reciprocation than to treat him the way I want to be treated? Well, guess what? That's just not the way he thinks. Most (if not all) of my efforts would go by unacknowledged. OR, they would be acknowledged, but not seen as anything special! His idea of being loved is clearly different from mine. And continuing the way I did just led to more disappointment, frustration and hurt feelings.
Not that it's really his fault (at least not entirely). All this really IS, is one's standards/interpretation for something might just be different than yours. Giving that person YOUR version of that something in the way YOU WANT IT may just very well fly under their radar unnoticed simply because of a mismatch in definition. If what makes them happy is different for them than it is for you, of COURSE they're not going to notice, or have it mean as much to them. What a "duh" moment, you know? *lol* Just because you're close to someone doesn't mean you're in completely in sync, that too is an all too easy assumption to make. Also...I realized that treating someone the way YOU want is inadvertently being selfish in a way. You're imposing your needs onto someone else AND obligating them to reciprocate. It's often an innocent mistake, but before that realization I never was able to figure out why I've gone on for so long living without being "repayed". In case this sounds like this could apply to you, I'd suggest that you stop and take a minute to ask yourself if that's what YOU'RE doing...and take another minute to think of the way your partner might want their needs met differently than yours, and figure out ways you can meet them on THEIR level. It's no magic fix, and there's no guarantee treating them the way they want will inspire them to reciprocate, but it'll open the way for it much more easily than doing it the hard way (treating them the way YOU want to be treated). I know now that all these efforts I've made have been an overshoot. I've learned to scale back...WAY back. It hasn't been easy at all, nor has it "fixed" my problems completely. But it has helped to where I feel now he really DOES give a shit, and that my efforts weren't ENTIRELY a waste... Let's just say this #2 rule has served as my "11th hour miracle" at one point in time...
...And if after trying that, you still feel unfulfilled, and you feel your partner is still out of tune with your needs nor do they have any motivation (or even AWARENESS)towards making you happy, perhaps there is more than just a mismatch of needs/wants and you have just a plain mismatch with the partner in general...Maybe they're too wrapped up in themselves to think about you. Maybe their way of making you feel loved is making you feel needed, so their capacity to show you love is limited to just that. Don't ask me for my opinion on THAT one...at least, not just yet...the verdict's still out on THAT one in MY case *lol*
About the "living in sin" crap... The problem with that, in my eyes, is that the overwhelming majority of people who perpetuate this psychological/emotional abuse either:
1)TALK THE TALK about following the 10 commandments (or even the rules of the bible IN GENERAL), but in reality they treat the 10 commandments(or the rules set in the bible, or select passages) like a menu, picking/enforcing only the ones that are convenient for THEM to follow (or remember to follow), therefore becoming hypocrites who can't be listened to or taken seriously...
Or...
2)Don't realize that the concept of "sin" is just that, a concept...and WORSE, an UNREGULATED one. Example: Give 4 bibles to 4 people and, more often than not, you'll get 4 different interpretations. You get what I mean?
Besides, there's more than enough evidence to for me to conclude that the bible has suffered from the biggest hack job in the history of the world. Who's to say what was originally there and what was edited in/out? Who's to say that what WAS originally there WAS direct from God's mouth, or corrupted by the motive of man? Obscured by man's individual bias (or at least, the bias of whomever individual was holding that pen...er, CHISEL)? BUT...that's another topic...
IMO, so long as there are 2 consenting, unrelated adults who aren't causing harm to anyone or breaking any laws, whose fucking business is it of YOURS? Don't these christians believe that those kind of matters are between the sinner and God? Then why do they take so much liberty to enforce on "His" behalf, which is REALLY more like MEDDLING than enforcing??? What good IS the "christian" way of "enforcing"? What good does it really do? Think about it...does it really make a person stop and think, and inspire themselves to possibly experience a change of heart (or habit)? Or does it make them feel judged, shamed, condemned and hated? I've observed that usually when a christian (or "churchie") points out a "sin" in someone, it's coming from a low-level of thought. Ego based. Which is as far from "Godly-thinking" as the east is from the west. It's ego that compels one to point out a person's supposed inadequacy to make the "enforcer" feel better, perhaps even fooling themselves into thinking they're earning brownie points with God by doing what they're doing. Using the "sinner's" back as a stepstool to heaven. Which is wrong (Do THEY REALLY think that the God they're claiming to serve gets HAPPY to see his "representatives" commit this kind of jackassery?).They may think on the surface they're doing the right thing but on the deeper levels of their mind, they know what they're really doing...or perhaps they're blindly following all they were taught and really DON'T know what they're doing...either way, they're not doing a service to ANYONE by doing that, most CERTAINLY NOT GOD!!! I'm no churchie and even I CAN see THAT!!!
And, the pisser is, it doesn't have to be a public spectacle or physically violent for it to do lasting harm, like the blood-soaked Inquisition, wearing a scarlet letter, or having a mob drag one out of their home and into the streets for a good ol' fashioned stoning...it can be social ostracization, judgements disguised as "advice", a mean-spirited "joke", or it can be as simple, passive and "harmless" as a few snide remarks, whispers amongst a group, or the wrong kind of sideways glance...
Whoops...there I go off-topic again *lol*
What I DO advocate is following one's heart and doing what's right for themselves. If you do that, more often than not, the rest has a way of taking care of itself...That is, depending on IF you HAVE the courage to let go and let your heart lead (it can sure be a wild ride at times *lol*). And I advocate the idea that GOD is TOO BIG to be compartmentalized into any religion or ANY definition, including christianity. And I think that indulging in the human desire of trying to fit "Him" into a box, in and of itself, IS the TRUE sin...Chew on THAT one... :.P
A-HA!!!
This time off work has helped me figure out my insomnia! I've been suffering from it for years, wondering what was wrong with me. Now that I can go to sleep when I want, I realize that I don't have insomnia after all! All I am is a creature of the night *lol*. If I just embrace that, my body follows it's sleep schedule on it's own and I don't have to struggle to fall asleep...
No more staring at the ceiling for what seems like hours, laying around counting his farts the way normal people count sheep, or reading on the sofa till I fall asleep on it (then have him get mad at me for it), or staying on the computer chatting with my fellow night owl friends (then have him get mad at me for it) or having to get drunk... The only problem is getting woken up in the AM (which to me are the "wee hours") by my giant, hungry man-child...Baby can't feed himself and needs his bottle *rolls eyes*
No more staring at the ceiling for what seems like hours, laying around counting his farts the way normal people count sheep, or reading on the sofa till I fall asleep on it (then have him get mad at me for it), or staying on the computer chatting with my fellow night owl friends (then have him get mad at me for it) or having to get drunk... The only problem is getting woken up in the AM (which to me are the "wee hours") by my giant, hungry man-child...Baby can't feed himself and needs his bottle *rolls eyes*
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Why I lost faith in marriage...
I think marriage in and of itself sucks *lol*. I don't endorse the idea anymore. If I leave my husband, God help me I'm not marrying again. If anything, I should go out and tour on a "don't be like me" campaign about the pitfalls/disadvantages of marriage the same way Sarah Palin's underaged knocked-up daughter was trying to do with her underaged peers about humping around *lol* My faith in it is gone. It's an obsolete institution. I used to have the same ideals about it as the rest of you. Now, I have a view from the inside for the past 7...going on 8 years now? I'll have to look. The margins of time have all melted into one another, I don't even know anymore. I've learned many things about this kind of relationship, although I don't really think I want to go into ALL of it...Maybe just the most standout issues:
Marriage fosters an attitude of complacency SIMPLY by BEING WHAT IT IS!!! In fact, that's something I experienced early on in my marriage. He changed immediately once "the chase" was over. He was like "Stay romantic? Stay in shape? Fart in private??? WHY??? It's not like you're GOING anywhere!!!" And the sad truth is, he's RIGHT!!! I'm NOT! The idea of "forever" can lead to the dangerous tendency of taking that person for granted. It's almost NATURAL for it to happen in an environment like marriage. Because they ARE gonna be there. They PROMISED to. FOR LIFE. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. WHERE'RE ya gonna go???
The deal IS "for better or worse", but HOW BAD is "WORSE" expected to GET before it's considered OK to cut your losses and quit?
The problem within the idea of "no matter what happens" is that there exists a VERY WIDE MARGIN of variables, so it begs the question: HOW MUCH SHIT is TOO MUCH to put up with? I almost feel guilty for bringing any of this UP because I'm MARRIED and I VOLUNTARILY SIGNED ON to be in for the long haul no matter what. I'm expecting to hear "oh well, if you can't hang maybe you shouldn't have gotten married". And...maybe I shouldn't have *sigh*
What's more is, when a relationship (d)evolves into a marriage, I've observed the whole dynamic of sex changes. When you're dating? It's usually because you want to express your feelings for that person, because it's still fun to do, or maybe it's because you're just plain horny *lol*. In marriage? It's now become potential leverage. A bargaining chip. Or (for those hardcore churchies) merely a reproductive function. Which the other partner can revoke at anytime for any reason, with or without cause, and it's considered acceptable for you to be denied. And when one partner wants it more than the other, it's largely considered acceptable for the couple to round down to the lowest common denominator. If not, the one who isn't hot for it "puts up with" putting out, making it feel more like a doctor's exam than any real loving. OR, being horny, but then not particularly feeling horny for THEM, yet at the same time not wanting to break your vow of fidelity, so what used to be 'making love' is now reduced to using your spouse/being used as a sexual backscratcher. A tool. THOSE are the choices?
When a partner uses sex as leverage, however, they're committing real damage,IMO. It goes further than merely holding out on a bang, it's taking their very STATUS as your spouse for granted, if you really think about it...Basically saying "Yeah, I know what you want, and I know I'm the only one you can come to for it, and I'm intentionally holding out, BECAUSE I CAN! SO WHAT???" Can anyone see the dysfunction in that (using sex as currency, leverage or as a means to an end), or is it just me? Putting a "cuz we're married" label sticker on it doesn't make it any more ok in my eyes...
When you're dating, you're together, but still have seperate interests, activities and seperate lives. Living with JUST enough distance to generate that sense of desire and mystery. And with dating, while there CAN be exclusivity, you live with the risk of losing them if you blow it and there IS no promise of forever. Why is the promise of forever so desired anyway? How can you guarantee forever when you can't even promise tomorrow??? HOW the hell can you HAVE any IDEA about tomorrow? You may not even wake up tomorrow!!!
And the promise of "forever" doesn't seem practical or even realistic when people naturally change. You shouldn't be expected to be that person you were a dozen years ago. The rate and direction can't be controlled, and forcing to tamper with or inhibit that is retarded, especially if it's for the sake of keeping a couple together. Life ITSELF is a "grow or die" environment, and marriage is no exception. There are times in life where you change, and: 1)if you work at the relationship, 2)if your partner is still on the same general wavelength as you (or is at least willing to be) and 3)if the conditions & timing are right, the couple will adapt, grow together, even be stronger for it. But you can't assume that'll ALWAYS HAPPEN EVERY TIME, or happen seamlessly(an assumption too many people make when you think of spouses as just TWO HALVES OF A WHOLE instead of a PAIR OF 2 COMPLETE WHOLE INDIVIDUALS). Sometimes the 2 will grow in seperate directions. OR 1 person will grow and the other gets left behind. It can happen, through no fault of either party. If instead of leaving that person behind, they choose to stay, there has to be some hope of the other party "catching up" or else you're not solving the issue, you're just hitting the snooze button on it...I know that now...
This experience also has me seriously questioning the role of "compromise" in a marriage...If a relationship is all that great, should it even be CALLED FOR(I for 1 am starting to doubt that it should)??? And if so, how much is too much? What if what's being asked of you to compromise is your identity? IMO, that is an inalieable right. To be asked to sacrifice WHO YOU ARE for ANYONE is unrealistic, unreasonable and non-negotiable. If changing WHO YOU ARE means keeping your partner happy, then you have to wonder if they ever really loved you for who you are? I don't think so...I think they used you as a template to project the potential of what they wanted onto you. Instead of seeing you "as-is", they saw you as a "fixer-upper", and that spells doom...well, at least that's the way I see it...
In marriage, besides taking the "forever" idea for granted, you run the dangers of merging your lives to the point of becoming HOMOGENOUS. TOO MUCH intimacy. I've had married guy friends confess that to me in the past. Where the feelings for their wives have degraded from being the woman they desired, head over heels for and were completely nuts about, into mere companionship, friendship and co-parents because they KNOW ABOUT/SEE/DO TOO MUCH. And also they shared with me the same problem I have now: marrying someone whom you THOUGHT was a good catch, only to find out they LIED about many of the things they claimed to share in common with you, turning into someone else once the ink dried. I'm stuck trying to get back in love with the man that was left behind the mirage. And it's tougher than I imagined. Don't get me wrong, I love him very very much. The thought of hurting him makes me want to cry. But we're just plain not right for each other. I don't feel like I can be myself around him. What if he pretends to agree/be ok with something about me, only to reveal to me later he HATES it? It's happened before, and I always have that suspicion in the back of my mind since. He wants me to change alot about who I am which I feel is unfair cause I made it clear what he was signing up for beforehand. And whenever there is something about me that I know is wrong and needs changing, he makes me feel like crap instead of being constructive/supportive. He almost enjoys pointing them out, whereas I do my best to be constructive/supportive to HIM...Especially when he's TRYING TO CHANGE one of HIS bad habits...Although, when he tries for 5 minutes, gets bored then goes back to watching tv, it's not up to me to pick him up and carry him (although there are times where I wonder if that's what he's expecting). We have different views of life and the future. And I haven't been in love with him for about a couple of years. BUT...in spite of that, I'm still trying to make it work...because....that....forever thing I went on and on about earlier *lol* and my promise to stick around no matter what...
Or at least, until I feel I've exhausted every possibility or found an answer to my question "at what point does it become ok, if at all, to call it quits?"
Marriage fosters an attitude of complacency SIMPLY by BEING WHAT IT IS!!! In fact, that's something I experienced early on in my marriage. He changed immediately once "the chase" was over. He was like "Stay romantic? Stay in shape? Fart in private??? WHY??? It's not like you're GOING anywhere!!!" And the sad truth is, he's RIGHT!!! I'm NOT! The idea of "forever" can lead to the dangerous tendency of taking that person for granted. It's almost NATURAL for it to happen in an environment like marriage. Because they ARE gonna be there. They PROMISED to. FOR LIFE. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. WHERE'RE ya gonna go???
The deal IS "for better or worse", but HOW BAD is "WORSE" expected to GET before it's considered OK to cut your losses and quit?
The problem within the idea of "no matter what happens" is that there exists a VERY WIDE MARGIN of variables, so it begs the question: HOW MUCH SHIT is TOO MUCH to put up with? I almost feel guilty for bringing any of this UP because I'm MARRIED and I VOLUNTARILY SIGNED ON to be in for the long haul no matter what. I'm expecting to hear "oh well, if you can't hang maybe you shouldn't have gotten married". And...maybe I shouldn't have *sigh*
What's more is, when a relationship (d)evolves into a marriage, I've observed the whole dynamic of sex changes. When you're dating? It's usually because you want to express your feelings for that person, because it's still fun to do, or maybe it's because you're just plain horny *lol*. In marriage? It's now become potential leverage. A bargaining chip. Or (for those hardcore churchies) merely a reproductive function. Which the other partner can revoke at anytime for any reason, with or without cause, and it's considered acceptable for you to be denied. And when one partner wants it more than the other, it's largely considered acceptable for the couple to round down to the lowest common denominator. If not, the one who isn't hot for it "puts up with" putting out, making it feel more like a doctor's exam than any real loving. OR, being horny, but then not particularly feeling horny for THEM, yet at the same time not wanting to break your vow of fidelity, so what used to be 'making love' is now reduced to using your spouse/being used as a sexual backscratcher. A tool. THOSE are the choices?
When a partner uses sex as leverage, however, they're committing real damage,IMO. It goes further than merely holding out on a bang, it's taking their very STATUS as your spouse for granted, if you really think about it...Basically saying "Yeah, I know what you want, and I know I'm the only one you can come to for it, and I'm intentionally holding out, BECAUSE I CAN! SO WHAT???" Can anyone see the dysfunction in that (using sex as currency, leverage or as a means to an end), or is it just me? Putting a "cuz we're married" label sticker on it doesn't make it any more ok in my eyes...
When you're dating, you're together, but still have seperate interests, activities and seperate lives. Living with JUST enough distance to generate that sense of desire and mystery. And with dating, while there CAN be exclusivity, you live with the risk of losing them if you blow it and there IS no promise of forever. Why is the promise of forever so desired anyway? How can you guarantee forever when you can't even promise tomorrow??? HOW the hell can you HAVE any IDEA about tomorrow? You may not even wake up tomorrow!!!
And the promise of "forever" doesn't seem practical or even realistic when people naturally change. You shouldn't be expected to be that person you were a dozen years ago. The rate and direction can't be controlled, and forcing to tamper with or inhibit that is retarded, especially if it's for the sake of keeping a couple together. Life ITSELF is a "grow or die" environment, and marriage is no exception. There are times in life where you change, and: 1)if you work at the relationship, 2)if your partner is still on the same general wavelength as you (or is at least willing to be) and 3)if the conditions & timing are right, the couple will adapt, grow together, even be stronger for it. But you can't assume that'll ALWAYS HAPPEN EVERY TIME, or happen seamlessly(an assumption too many people make when you think of spouses as just TWO HALVES OF A WHOLE instead of a PAIR OF 2 COMPLETE WHOLE INDIVIDUALS). Sometimes the 2 will grow in seperate directions. OR 1 person will grow and the other gets left behind. It can happen, through no fault of either party. If instead of leaving that person behind, they choose to stay, there has to be some hope of the other party "catching up" or else you're not solving the issue, you're just hitting the snooze button on it...I know that now...
This experience also has me seriously questioning the role of "compromise" in a marriage...If a relationship is all that great, should it even be CALLED FOR(I for 1 am starting to doubt that it should)??? And if so, how much is too much? What if what's being asked of you to compromise is your identity? IMO, that is an inalieable right. To be asked to sacrifice WHO YOU ARE for ANYONE is unrealistic, unreasonable and non-negotiable. If changing WHO YOU ARE means keeping your partner happy, then you have to wonder if they ever really loved you for who you are? I don't think so...I think they used you as a template to project the potential of what they wanted onto you. Instead of seeing you "as-is", they saw you as a "fixer-upper", and that spells doom...well, at least that's the way I see it...
In marriage, besides taking the "forever" idea for granted, you run the dangers of merging your lives to the point of becoming HOMOGENOUS. TOO MUCH intimacy. I've had married guy friends confess that to me in the past. Where the feelings for their wives have degraded from being the woman they desired, head over heels for and were completely nuts about, into mere companionship, friendship and co-parents because they KNOW ABOUT/SEE/DO TOO MUCH. And also they shared with me the same problem I have now: marrying someone whom you THOUGHT was a good catch, only to find out they LIED about many of the things they claimed to share in common with you, turning into someone else once the ink dried. I'm stuck trying to get back in love with the man that was left behind the mirage. And it's tougher than I imagined. Don't get me wrong, I love him very very much. The thought of hurting him makes me want to cry. But we're just plain not right for each other. I don't feel like I can be myself around him. What if he pretends to agree/be ok with something about me, only to reveal to me later he HATES it? It's happened before, and I always have that suspicion in the back of my mind since. He wants me to change alot about who I am which I feel is unfair cause I made it clear what he was signing up for beforehand. And whenever there is something about me that I know is wrong and needs changing, he makes me feel like crap instead of being constructive/supportive. He almost enjoys pointing them out, whereas I do my best to be constructive/supportive to HIM...Especially when he's TRYING TO CHANGE one of HIS bad habits...Although, when he tries for 5 minutes, gets bored then goes back to watching tv, it's not up to me to pick him up and carry him (although there are times where I wonder if that's what he's expecting). We have different views of life and the future. And I haven't been in love with him for about a couple of years. BUT...in spite of that, I'm still trying to make it work...because....that....forever thing I went on and on about earlier *lol* and my promise to stick around no matter what...
Or at least, until I feel I've exhausted every possibility or found an answer to my question "at what point does it become ok, if at all, to call it quits?"
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Talking & driving
I remember back in school, I would be stuck in the classroom listening to the teacher yak on and on about some shit that I knew would have no useful application in the real world...
Most oftentimes, I would be staring out the window or doodling some pictures (or perhaps even drawing devil horns or boners on the historical figures in the school textbooks *LOL*). And...oftentimes, this would annoy the teacher. Apparently his idea of "listening" would be keeping my eyes on the board, on him or in his general direction, and sometimes it bugged him to the point of stopping in the middle of the lecture. I'd reply that I WAS paying attention...I'd explain that just because my eyes and hands were doing other things, that doesn't mean my ears & brain weren't working. Yeah...that answer didn't really help *lol*. But I stuck to my guns. Cause it's not like I WAS goofing off (not THAT time anyway) I really WAS listening. And so he'd quiz me about what he just said. About 75% of the time, I got it right. His panties would still get in a knot over it...(and I'd still get in trouble). Perhaps it was a matter of "principle" for him (even THEN I knew that THOSE kinds of battles usually aren't worth putting up a fight for).
So I can't understand HOW talking on the phone while driving can be so dangerous to do. In fact, the spike in accidents have proven it to be SUCH a danger, it's now illegal in my state to drive while talking (or, perhaps I should say, it's illegal to be CAUGHT driving while talking. Because, as I look around me on the road, this new law clearly isn't making people put their phones down. The wife of my state's Governor was caught red-handed just a few months ago! I've even seen LOTS of POLICE talking on THEIR cell phones while driving ON PATROL, ferchristsakes! My mother-in-law just got a citation for talking while driving just this Thursday! Gee, officer. Hypocritical much?). Staring at the phone screen/keypad when your eyes SHOULD be focused on maneuvering your vehicle, YES, THAT IS a dumbshit move...(or TEXT MESSAGING when you should have your eyes on the road...that's dumbshit raised to the Nth degree). However, the rest of the time is spent driving with the phone in one hand, "yakking off" *lol*. Yet so often people who do that pose a danger to themselves and others on the road. Recent statistics are showing that even "HANDS-FREE" devices do little to no good.
...Uh...WHY? Your mouth may be occupied, but your other faculties, the ones needed for driving...eyes, brain, etc., should OTHERWISE be free. How does TALKING affect one's vision, or inhibit one from seeing what's right the f*ck in front of them?(I once got rear ended on the freeway by some bitch talking on her cell phone). How does TALKING on a PHONE impair the mental capacity to negotiate your way from A to B? And what's more: How can talking on a PHONE be DANGEROUS as opposed to talking to a PASSENGER, when it's essentially the same activity??? It's weird to see how a driver can change once they begin talking on the phone. What was once a car, has now become a phone booth on wheels...Or a freaking LOUNGE even! When I see someone driving while talking, most oftentimes I also:
-See them staring off into the sky
-I see them staring at the dash panel like it were a TV...(o_O)???
-I see them picking at their face holes in the mirror
...nose...mouth...ears...
-I see the especially vain ones spend more time WATCHING THEMSELVES TALK in the mirror than watching the road...Yeesh! *rolls eyes*
-I see them hunched over, fiddling with the buttons on the stereo a LITTLE TOO LONG
-I see them taking in the view AROUND them instead of what's IN FRONT of them...
-I see them decide that there's no better time or place to scavenge for a pen and paper to write a number or some other stupid shit down(instead of pulling over 1st)
-I see them toying around with the buttons on their PHONE when they should be focusing on the road AHEAD of them...
WHY does that happen? What IS IT about driving with a phone that disconnects you from your other senses and immediate surroundings? Could their skulls be soaking up their cell phone's harmful EM radiation which (I guess) retards the most basic human intelligence/sense of judgement? Or is that person's brain running on SUCH a low gear that something as simple as talking on the phone SHORT CIRCUITS all other faculties? The old "walking while chewing gum" joke comes to mind...Although I know this issue isn't so simple. Driving involves having to pay attention to a multitude of things at once...which, now that I think about it, is ALL THE MORE REASON to pay some effing attention to what you're doing!
Man, leave it to a few dumbasses to ruin things for the rest of us...AND...have it get SO BAD, the GOVERNMENT feels the need meddle in it! The only ones the Government keeps safe are their own, and the only ones they help are THEMSELVES...as in HELP THEMSELVES TO YOUR hard-earned $$$...Don't get me started on THAT...
Most oftentimes, I would be staring out the window or doodling some pictures (or perhaps even drawing devil horns or boners on the historical figures in the school textbooks *LOL*). And...oftentimes, this would annoy the teacher. Apparently his idea of "listening" would be keeping my eyes on the board, on him or in his general direction, and sometimes it bugged him to the point of stopping in the middle of the lecture. I'd reply that I WAS paying attention...I'd explain that just because my eyes and hands were doing other things, that doesn't mean my ears & brain weren't working. Yeah...that answer didn't really help *lol*. But I stuck to my guns. Cause it's not like I WAS goofing off (not THAT time anyway) I really WAS listening. And so he'd quiz me about what he just said. About 75% of the time, I got it right. His panties would still get in a knot over it...(and I'd still get in trouble). Perhaps it was a matter of "principle" for him (even THEN I knew that THOSE kinds of battles usually aren't worth putting up a fight for).
So I can't understand HOW talking on the phone while driving can be so dangerous to do. In fact, the spike in accidents have proven it to be SUCH a danger, it's now illegal in my state to drive while talking (or, perhaps I should say, it's illegal to be CAUGHT driving while talking. Because, as I look around me on the road, this new law clearly isn't making people put their phones down. The wife of my state's Governor was caught red-handed just a few months ago! I've even seen LOTS of POLICE talking on THEIR cell phones while driving ON PATROL, ferchristsakes! My mother-in-law just got a citation for talking while driving just this Thursday! Gee, officer. Hypocritical much?). Staring at the phone screen/keypad when your eyes SHOULD be focused on maneuvering your vehicle, YES, THAT IS a dumbshit move...(or TEXT MESSAGING when you should have your eyes on the road...that's dumbshit raised to the Nth degree). However, the rest of the time is spent driving with the phone in one hand, "yakking off" *lol*. Yet so often people who do that pose a danger to themselves and others on the road. Recent statistics are showing that even "HANDS-FREE" devices do little to no good.
...Uh...WHY? Your mouth may be occupied, but your other faculties, the ones needed for driving...eyes, brain, etc., should OTHERWISE be free. How does TALKING affect one's vision, or inhibit one from seeing what's right the f*ck in front of them?(I once got rear ended on the freeway by some bitch talking on her cell phone). How does TALKING on a PHONE impair the mental capacity to negotiate your way from A to B? And what's more: How can talking on a PHONE be DANGEROUS as opposed to talking to a PASSENGER, when it's essentially the same activity??? It's weird to see how a driver can change once they begin talking on the phone. What was once a car, has now become a phone booth on wheels...Or a freaking LOUNGE even! When I see someone driving while talking, most oftentimes I also:
-See them staring off into the sky
-I see them staring at the dash panel like it were a TV...(o_O)???
-I see them picking at their face holes in the mirror
...nose...mouth...ears...
-I see the especially vain ones spend more time WATCHING THEMSELVES TALK in the mirror than watching the road...Yeesh! *rolls eyes*
-I see them hunched over, fiddling with the buttons on the stereo a LITTLE TOO LONG
-I see them taking in the view AROUND them instead of what's IN FRONT of them...
-I see them decide that there's no better time or place to scavenge for a pen and paper to write a number or some other stupid shit down(instead of pulling over 1st)
-I see them toying around with the buttons on their PHONE when they should be focusing on the road AHEAD of them...
WHY does that happen? What IS IT about driving with a phone that disconnects you from your other senses and immediate surroundings? Could their skulls be soaking up their cell phone's harmful EM radiation which (I guess) retards the most basic human intelligence/sense of judgement? Or is that person's brain running on SUCH a low gear that something as simple as talking on the phone SHORT CIRCUITS all other faculties? The old "walking while chewing gum" joke comes to mind...Although I know this issue isn't so simple. Driving involves having to pay attention to a multitude of things at once...which, now that I think about it, is ALL THE MORE REASON to pay some effing attention to what you're doing!
Man, leave it to a few dumbasses to ruin things for the rest of us...AND...have it get SO BAD, the GOVERNMENT feels the need meddle in it! The only ones the Government keeps safe are their own, and the only ones they help are THEMSELVES...as in HELP THEMSELVES TO YOUR hard-earned $$$...Don't get me started on THAT...
If a tree falls in the forest...
That old question: "Does a tree falling in the forest make a sound if no one is present to hear it?" The answer I've most often heard is "No." or would fall along the lines of no, such as "Reality depends on what we observe and how we observe it, whether individually or collectively".
INDIVIDUAL PERCEPTION depends on what we observe and how we observe it. But to say reality DEPENDS on US? Are humans really THAT vain?
So...you mean to tell me, if something exists just beyond the grasp of human perception, it in fact DOESN'T exist? Does this mean microbes didn't exist before man developed the technology to even notice that they were not only THERE, but THERE ALL ALONG??? Or that, before the earth was proven to be round, it was at some point in time, flat? (That, upon seeing it as round for the 1st time, it's flatness conformed to the shape of the belief? Just poofed like Jiffy Pop? *lol*) Does that mean that, until we reach the coastline, all the waves on the beach are on "mute" until WE get there? That something doesn't exist UNLESS or UNTIL "WE" say it does??? 1) NO WONDER the "God" topic and the question of "his" existence (or gender even *lol*) is in such fierce debate now than it was centuries ago. 2) Those who believe the tree would make no sound if no one was around to hear it really need to seriously scale down their ego and their rearrange their views on thier role in this world.
These types seem to hold the opinion which goes as far as to say that this planet NEEDS us somehow(?). It's funny when I actually ASK these types IN WHICH WAY does this planet NEED US? There are usually either a bunch of "uuhhhhh's" or reasons that are related to other human beings. Merely listing off ways WE need the PLANET, therefore leaving my question unanswered. I.E. THEY DON'T REALLY KNOW. They don't know because the fact is, the planet DOESN'T need us. WE might have a need for EACH OTHER, we might have a need for the things that exist here. But with this planet, the fact of the matter is, need is NOT mutual. If this fact stings, or you feel any fear(or offense) of such a thought, that is definitely a symptom of ego and thus proves my point stated above. This world has existed before we did and will continue to exist after we're gone. In fact, I wholeheartedly believe this planet will THRIVE AFTER we're gone. I mean, look at how we're treating this place! Like an effing vending machine! One common answer I hear is "we're interconnected to it", which may be true...But that implies a symbiotic relationship, one of mutual benefit. Look around you. Pick up a newspaper. Look up the Amazon forest on Google maps (look NOW while you STILL CAN! Football field's worth of irreplaceable land is being destroyed BY THE HOUR!)
Clearly this is NOT the case. I can even go as far to say the relationship we have with this planet is NOT symbiotic but...parasitic. Now before you label me a kook (if you haven't already), just look up the definition of "parasite" (thanks to dictionary.com):
Parasite:
1)An organism that lives on or in another...known as the host, from which the body obtains (sustenance).
2)A person who receives support, advantage, or the like, from another or others who gives without giving any proper or useful return, as one who lives on the hospitality of others.
3)(in Ancient Greece) a person who received free meals in return for amusing/impudent conversation, flattering remarks, etc.
I'm sure we've all encountered our share of #3's *LOL* However, I invite you to take a minute and contemplate the 1st 2 definitions. Does any of it sound familiar? Of course there are those "tree-hugger" types who might counter my argument by stating there are ways we can "give back". Even IF we PROPERLY "gave back" in equal measures of what we took (which DOESN'T happen else we wouldn't be having these enviro. problems), "giving back" (not contributing) seems the best we can do. It's basic human nature to take to sustain life, therefore we CAN'T contribute or GIVE to this planet, only to each other (which usually can only result by TAKING something from the planet.Sad, but fact). So, yes, connected...But in which way? Not of a symbiotic/mutually beneficial relationship like so many "tree-huggers" would prefer to believe. But it isn't, it's a 1-way parasitic one. The belief that giving back(replacing) and contributing(adding to) are one and the same is false (delusion). The same delusion as thinking we have the authortity to declare/discredit the existence of something simply because our finite capacities fail to comprehend (or even detect) it. Just like the delusion that the welfare of this planet DEPENDS on our very presence. Or the delusion that, by buying products that have "green" stickers on them, remembering to turn the lights off, or recycling a couple of cans, that SOMEHOW we can REVERSE the destruction, even RESTORE the equilibrium that once existed? (forestall or SLOW total depletion? yes...Stop or even REVERSE? Get real!)
-> Case in point, for those with A.D.D. *LOL*
So, that's my answer: Unless we succeed in sucking this planet dry of all resources or nuke it to oblivion, this planet is going to keep on turning, the seasons will continue to cycle and trees are going to keep on (noisily)falling...WITH or WITHOUT us...
NOW...onto the "chicken & egg" question *LOL* :.P
INDIVIDUAL PERCEPTION depends on what we observe and how we observe it. But to say reality DEPENDS on US? Are humans really THAT vain?
So...you mean to tell me, if something exists just beyond the grasp of human perception, it in fact DOESN'T exist? Does this mean microbes didn't exist before man developed the technology to even notice that they were not only THERE, but THERE ALL ALONG??? Or that, before the earth was proven to be round, it was at some point in time, flat? (That, upon seeing it as round for the 1st time, it's flatness conformed to the shape of the belief? Just poofed like Jiffy Pop? *lol*) Does that mean that, until we reach the coastline, all the waves on the beach are on "mute" until WE get there? That something doesn't exist UNLESS or UNTIL "WE" say it does??? 1) NO WONDER the "God" topic and the question of "his" existence (or gender even *lol*) is in such fierce debate now than it was centuries ago. 2) Those who believe the tree would make no sound if no one was around to hear it really need to seriously scale down their ego and their rearrange their views on thier role in this world.
These types seem to hold the opinion which goes as far as to say that this planet NEEDS us somehow(?). It's funny when I actually ASK these types IN WHICH WAY does this planet NEED US? There are usually either a bunch of "uuhhhhh's" or reasons that are related to other human beings. Merely listing off ways WE need the PLANET, therefore leaving my question unanswered. I.E. THEY DON'T REALLY KNOW. They don't know because the fact is, the planet DOESN'T need us. WE might have a need for EACH OTHER, we might have a need for the things that exist here. But with this planet, the fact of the matter is, need is NOT mutual. If this fact stings, or you feel any fear(or offense) of such a thought, that is definitely a symptom of ego and thus proves my point stated above. This world has existed before we did and will continue to exist after we're gone. In fact, I wholeheartedly believe this planet will THRIVE AFTER we're gone. I mean, look at how we're treating this place! Like an effing vending machine! One common answer I hear is "we're interconnected to it", which may be true...But that implies a symbiotic relationship, one of mutual benefit. Look around you. Pick up a newspaper. Look up the Amazon forest on Google maps (look NOW while you STILL CAN! Football field's worth of irreplaceable land is being destroyed BY THE HOUR!)
Clearly this is NOT the case. I can even go as far to say the relationship we have with this planet is NOT symbiotic but...parasitic. Now before you label me a kook (if you haven't already), just look up the definition of "parasite" (thanks to dictionary.com):
Parasite:
1)An organism that lives on or in another...known as the host, from which the body obtains (sustenance).
2)A person who receives support, advantage, or the like, from another or others who gives without giving any proper or useful return, as one who lives on the hospitality of others.
3)(in Ancient Greece) a person who received free meals in return for amusing/impudent conversation, flattering remarks, etc.
I'm sure we've all encountered our share of #3's *LOL* However, I invite you to take a minute and contemplate the 1st 2 definitions. Does any of it sound familiar? Of course there are those "tree-hugger" types who might counter my argument by stating there are ways we can "give back". Even IF we PROPERLY "gave back" in equal measures of what we took (which DOESN'T happen else we wouldn't be having these enviro. problems), "giving back" (not contributing) seems the best we can do. It's basic human nature to take to sustain life, therefore we CAN'T contribute or GIVE to this planet, only to each other (which usually can only result by TAKING something from the planet.Sad, but fact). So, yes, connected...But in which way? Not of a symbiotic/mutually beneficial relationship like so many "tree-huggers" would prefer to believe. But it isn't, it's a 1-way parasitic one. The belief that giving back(replacing) and contributing(adding to) are one and the same is false (delusion). The same delusion as thinking we have the authortity to declare/discredit the existence of something simply because our finite capacities fail to comprehend (or even detect) it. Just like the delusion that the welfare of this planet DEPENDS on our very presence. Or the delusion that, by buying products that have "green" stickers on them, remembering to turn the lights off, or recycling a couple of cans, that SOMEHOW we can REVERSE the destruction, even RESTORE the equilibrium that once existed? (forestall or SLOW total depletion? yes...Stop or even REVERSE? Get real!)
-> Case in point, for those with A.D.D. *LOL*
So, that's my answer: Unless we succeed in sucking this planet dry of all resources or nuke it to oblivion, this planet is going to keep on turning, the seasons will continue to cycle and trees are going to keep on (noisily)falling...WITH or WITHOUT us...
NOW...onto the "chicken & egg" question *LOL* :.P
Friday, March 12, 2010
A long time coming...Heh heh heh...
Gah...I'm SO TIRED of writing down my thoughts, only to have the wrong people raccoon through my shit and reading them. It's happened to me since I was a kid. You'd THINK that growing up an only child, you'd have the fortune of experiencing maybe a little extra privacy, but noooo...
My frustration about it got so bad, I learned/taught myself cryptology. No joke! *lol* Then I advanced to designing my own set of heiroglyphics. Seriously. It felt cool to have a language of sorts that only I could understand...I mean, it's not like I could have POSSIBLY have felt ANY MORE weird growing up already *lol*! I was a nerd among nerds!
Problem is, the older I got, the less time I had to keep sharp with it...that...and, I lost my "rosetta stone" *lol*. Sometimes when I hide things, I do a little TOO good a job so that even I can't find it *lol*. Even now that I'm married, my private things are still subject to getting racooned, and I don't like that. Marriage doesn't give you license to rifle through your spouse's things unless you have 1)permission, 2)justified cause or 3) a warrant, and mere curiosity is not a valid reason. I don't do that shit to him. I like my freedom, and I give his space that respect...That must be yet one more thing about me he takes for granted *rolls eyes*...
I've already got notebooks full of sketches, notes and weird dreams I've given up on trying to interpret, I'd like another place to store some of my thoughts and/or blow off steam. Maybe you'll find something here you'll agree with. If you don't, and feel strongly enough to speak up, I willingly accept VALID COUNTERPOINTS and/or criticism ONLY if it's CONSTRUCTIVE. I won't tolerate anything below. I mean, hey, I've been wrongly judged/misunderstood most of my life, what makes you think I'm hot for hearing MORE of it? Besides, if there's anything this world has too much of, it's hate inflicted upon one another, and there won't be any place for that here. Thanks to my hot temper, I get judged alot for hating people, but I'll let you in on a little secret: it's the dumb shit people do that sets me off, not necessarily the person themself...Although there are times where the line that divides the two gets too thin for even me to be able to tell where one ends and the other begins...
My frustration about it got so bad, I learned/taught myself cryptology. No joke! *lol* Then I advanced to designing my own set of heiroglyphics. Seriously. It felt cool to have a language of sorts that only I could understand...I mean, it's not like I could have POSSIBLY have felt ANY MORE weird growing up already *lol*! I was a nerd among nerds!
Problem is, the older I got, the less time I had to keep sharp with it...that...and, I lost my "rosetta stone" *lol*. Sometimes when I hide things, I do a little TOO good a job so that even I can't find it *lol*. Even now that I'm married, my private things are still subject to getting racooned, and I don't like that. Marriage doesn't give you license to rifle through your spouse's things unless you have 1)permission, 2)justified cause or 3) a warrant, and mere curiosity is not a valid reason. I don't do that shit to him. I like my freedom, and I give his space that respect...That must be yet one more thing about me he takes for granted *rolls eyes*...
I've already got notebooks full of sketches, notes and weird dreams I've given up on trying to interpret, I'd like another place to store some of my thoughts and/or blow off steam. Maybe you'll find something here you'll agree with. If you don't, and feel strongly enough to speak up, I willingly accept VALID COUNTERPOINTS and/or criticism ONLY if it's CONSTRUCTIVE. I won't tolerate anything below. I mean, hey, I've been wrongly judged/misunderstood most of my life, what makes you think I'm hot for hearing MORE of it? Besides, if there's anything this world has too much of, it's hate inflicted upon one another, and there won't be any place for that here. Thanks to my hot temper, I get judged alot for hating people, but I'll let you in on a little secret: it's the dumb shit people do that sets me off, not necessarily the person themself...Although there are times where the line that divides the two gets too thin for even me to be able to tell where one ends and the other begins...
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