Why I lost faith in marriage...

I think marriage in and of itself sucks *lol*. I don't endorse the idea anymore. If I leave my husband, God help me I'm not marrying again. If anything, I should go out and tour on a "don't be like me" campaign about the pitfalls/disadvantages of marriage the same way Sarah Palin's underaged knocked-up daughter was trying to do with her underaged peers about humping around *lol* My faith in it is gone. It's an obsolete institution. I used to have the same ideals about it as the rest of you. Now, I have a view from the inside for the past 7...going on 8 years now? I'll have to look. The margins of time have all melted into one another, I don't even know anymore. I've learned many things about this kind of relationship, although I don't really think I want to go into ALL of it...Maybe just the most standout issues:

Marriage fosters an attitude of complacency SIMPLY by BEING WHAT IT IS!!! In fact, that's something I experienced early on in my marriage. He changed immediately once "the chase" was over. He was like "Stay romantic? Stay in shape? Fart in private??? WHY??? It's not like you're GOING anywhere!!!" And the sad truth is, he's RIGHT!!! I'm NOT! The idea of "forever" can lead to the dangerous tendency of taking that person for granted. It's almost NATURAL for it to happen in an environment like marriage. Because they ARE gonna be there. They PROMISED to. FOR LIFE. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. WHERE'RE ya gonna go???


The deal IS "for better or worse", but HOW BAD is "WORSE" expected to GET before it's considered OK to cut your losses and quit?

The problem within the idea of "no matter what happens" is that there exists a VERY WIDE MARGIN of variables, so it begs the question: HOW MUCH SHIT is TOO MUCH to put up with? I almost feel guilty for bringing any of this UP because I'm MARRIED and I VOLUNTARILY SIGNED ON to be in for the long haul no matter what. I'm expecting to hear "oh well, if you can't hang maybe you shouldn't have gotten married". And...maybe I shouldn't have *sigh*

What's more is, when a relationship (d)evolves into a marriage, I've observed the whole dynamic of sex changes. When you're dating? It's usually because you want to express your feelings for that person, because it's still fun to do, or maybe it's because you're just plain horny *lol*. In marriage? It's now become potential leverage. A bargaining chip. Or (for those hardcore churchies) merely a reproductive function. Which the other partner can revoke at anytime for any reason, with or without cause, and it's considered acceptable for you to be denied. And when one partner wants it more than the other, it's largely considered acceptable for the couple to round down to the lowest common denominator. If not, the one who isn't hot for it "puts up with" putting out, making it feel more like a doctor's exam than any real loving. OR, being horny, but then not particularly feeling horny for THEM, yet at the same time not wanting to break your vow of fidelity, so what used to be 'making love' is now reduced to using your spouse/being used as a sexual backscratcher. A tool. THOSE are the choices?

When a partner uses sex as leverage, however, they're committing real damage,IMO. It goes further than merely holding out on a bang, it's taking their very STATUS as your spouse for granted, if you really think about it...Basically saying "Yeah, I know what you want, and I know I'm the only one you can come to for it, and I'm intentionally holding out, BECAUSE I CAN! SO WHAT???" Can anyone see the dysfunction in that (using sex as currency, leverage or as a means to an end), or is it just me? Putting a "cuz we're married" label sticker on it doesn't make it any more ok in my eyes...

When you're dating, you're together, but still have seperate interests, activities and seperate lives. Living with JUST enough distance to generate that sense of desire and mystery. And with dating, while there CAN be exclusivity, you live with the risk of losing them if you blow it and there IS no promise of forever. Why is the promise of forever so desired anyway? How can you guarantee forever when you can't even promise tomorrow??? HOW the hell can you HAVE any IDEA about tomorrow? You may not even wake up tomorrow!!!

And the promise of "forever" doesn't seem practical or even realistic when people naturally change. You shouldn't be expected to be that person you were a dozen years ago. The rate and direction can't be controlled, and forcing to tamper with or inhibit that is retarded, especially if it's for the sake of keeping a couple together. Life ITSELF is a "grow or die" environment, and marriage is no exception. There are times in life where you change, and: 1)if you work at the relationship, 2)if your partner is still on the same general wavelength as you (or is at least willing to be) and 3)if the conditions & timing are right, the couple will adapt, grow together, even be stronger for it. But you can't assume that'll ALWAYS HAPPEN EVERY TIME, or happen seamlessly(an assumption too many people make when you think of spouses as just TWO HALVES OF A WHOLE instead of a PAIR OF 2 COMPLETE WHOLE INDIVIDUALS). Sometimes the 2 will grow in seperate directions. OR 1 person will grow and the other gets left behind. It can happen, through no fault of either party. If instead of leaving that person behind, they choose to stay, there has to be some hope of the other party "catching up" or else you're not solving the issue, you're just hitting the snooze button on it...I know that now...

This experience also has me seriously questioning the role of "compromise" in a marriage...If a relationship is all that great, should it even be CALLED FOR(I for 1 am starting to doubt that it should)??? And if so, how much is too much? What if what's being asked of you to compromise is your identity? IMO, that is an inalieable right. To be asked to sacrifice WHO YOU ARE for ANYONE is unrealistic, unreasonable and non-negotiable. If changing WHO YOU ARE means keeping your partner happy, then you have to wonder if they ever really loved you for who you are? I don't think so...I think they used you as a template to project the potential of what they wanted onto you. Instead of seeing you "as-is", they saw you as a "fixer-upper", and that spells doom...well, at least that's the way I see it...


In marriage, besides taking the "forever" idea for granted, you run the dangers of merging your lives to the point of becoming HOMOGENOUS. TOO MUCH intimacy. I've had married guy friends confess that to me in the past. Where the feelings for their wives have degraded from being the woman they desired, head over heels for and were completely nuts about, into mere companionship, friendship and co-parents because they KNOW ABOUT/SEE/DO TOO MUCH. And also they shared with me the same problem I have now: marrying someone whom you THOUGHT was a good catch, only to find out they LIED about many of the things they claimed to share in common with you, turning into someone else once the ink dried. I'm stuck trying to get back in love with the man that was left behind the mirage. And it's tougher than I imagined. Don't get me wrong, I love him very very much. The thought of hurting him makes me want to cry. But we're just plain not right for each other. I don't feel like I can be myself around him. What if he pretends to agree/be ok with something about me, only to reveal to me later he HATES it? It's happened before, and I always have that suspicion in the back of my mind since. He wants me to change alot about who I am which I feel is unfair cause I made it clear what he was signing up for beforehand. And whenever there is something about me that I know is wrong and needs changing, he makes me feel like crap instead of being constructive/supportive. He almost enjoys pointing them out, whereas I do my best to be constructive/supportive to HIM...Especially when he's TRYING TO CHANGE one of HIS bad habits...Although, when he tries for 5 minutes, gets bored then goes back to watching tv, it's not up to me to pick him up and carry him (although there are times where I wonder if that's what he's expecting). We have different views of life and the future. And I haven't been in love with him for about a couple of years. BUT...in spite of that, I'm still trying to make it work...because....that....forever thing I went on and on about earlier *lol* and my promise to stick around no matter what...

Or at least, until I feel I've exhausted every possibility or found an answer to my question "at what point does it become ok, if at all, to call it quits?"