So...what now?

Since talking about my not believing in marriage anymore, I'm starting to get asked: "if you don't believe in marriage anymore, then...what DO you believe in? Should people just live the rest of their lives alone? Or that you advocate living in "sin"?"

I don't make impulsive statements. Especially one that heavy. If you ever do hear something out of me, it's usually because I've thought it over 1000 times, thought it through again and thought it through some more... And I contemplated that question. I don't really have an easy answer...it's a simple one, but I know all too well that in life, "easy" and "simple" ARE NOT always one & the same...Letting go of a belief that you've known & lived with all your life, even though it doesn't serve you and holds you back from what you really want, is a scary thing. Sometimes, for some people, it's too scary to even THINK about, let alone WANT to try...

What I believe instead:

1)Promising your partner forever SEEMS like the greatest, most romantic, loving thing you can do (not to mention it makes for great photos and looks even BETTER ON PAPER). But, as I said earlier, such a promise can lead to bad things...Complacency, boredom, taking that person for granted. Not to mention, it's impossible/unrealistic to promise your partner 'tomorrow' when 'tomorrow' isn't even a promise you have guaranteed for YOURSELF. How about instead, you promise your partner TODAY? For today, promise your love. Promise yourself. Promise your all. It doesn't have to be a grand ceremony or ritual...that would get really tired...It's whatever comes from your heart. The act of promising your partner 'today' everyday affords you greater freedom to follow your heart than it would to chain yourself to the invisible, intangible concept of "forever". It can all be said in just one look if you're close enough to them... Also, promising them today can be a way of letting them know your being with them comes from YOUR FEELINGS, NOT out of OBLIGATION from making a binding committment (like marriage), which makes your being with them feel MORE like it comes from a place of LOVE as opposed to a SENSE OF DUTY. And if that day comes you can no longer promise them "today", then...at the very least, aren't you glad you didn't throw "forever" at them? It makes for a far cleaner break...

2)Now THIS was a hard one for me to learn. All my life, from just about everywhere, I've been taught to "treat others the way YOU want to be treated".

Real life has pounded this lesson into my head over the years hard and long enough for me to know that THIS TOO is a myth, and it couldn't be more wrong. The trick to it REALLY is: treating others the way THEY want to be treated. Take me, for example. I consider myself to be a romantic, very affectionate person. That's how I WISH I were treated! So, if I were to continue following the way I was taught, I would still be doting on my husband...Striving to be a good wife. Lavishing him with affection, taking every opportunity to do all the little things to let him know I love him. Why? Because that's what I'VE been DYING FOR, and how I NEED to be treated! And HAVE BEEN NEEDING to be treated for YEARS! And what better way to open up the way for reciprocation than to treat him the way I want to be treated? Well, guess what? That's just not the way he thinks. Most (if not all) of my efforts would go by unacknowledged. OR, they would be acknowledged, but not seen as anything special! His idea of being loved is clearly different from mine. And continuing the way I did just led to more disappointment, frustration and hurt feelings.

Not that it's really his fault (at least not entirely). All this really IS, is one's standards/interpretation for something might just be different than yours. Giving that person YOUR version of that something in the way YOU WANT IT may just very well fly under their radar unnoticed simply because of a mismatch in definition. If what makes them happy is different for them than it is for you, of COURSE they're not going to notice, or have it mean as much to them. What a "duh" moment, you know? *lol* Just because you're close to someone doesn't mean you're in completely in sync, that too is an all too easy assumption to make. Also...I realized that treating someone the way YOU want is inadvertently being selfish in a way. You're imposing your needs onto someone else AND obligating them to reciprocate. It's often an innocent mistake, but before that realization I never was able to figure out why I've gone on for so long living without being "repayed". In case this sounds like this could apply to you, I'd suggest that you stop and take a minute to ask yourself if that's what YOU'RE doing...and take another minute to think of the way your partner might want their needs met differently than yours, and figure out ways you can meet them on THEIR level. It's no magic fix, and there's no guarantee treating them the way they want will inspire them to reciprocate, but it'll open the way for it much more easily than doing it the hard way (treating them the way YOU want to be treated). I know now that all these efforts I've made have been an overshoot. I've learned to scale back...WAY back. It hasn't been easy at all, nor has it "fixed" my problems completely. But it has helped to where I feel now he really DOES give a shit, and that my efforts weren't ENTIRELY a waste... Let's just say this #2 rule has served as my "11th hour miracle" at one point in time...


...And if after trying that, you still feel unfulfilled, and you feel your partner is still out of tune with your needs nor do they have any motivation (or even AWARENESS)towards making you happy, perhaps there is more than just a mismatch of needs/wants and you have just a plain mismatch with the partner in general...Maybe they're too wrapped up in themselves to think about you. Maybe their way of making you feel loved is making you feel needed, so their capacity to show you love is limited to just that. Don't ask me for my opinion on THAT one...at least, not just yet...the verdict's still out on THAT one in MY case *lol*


About the "living in sin" crap... The problem with that, in my eyes, is that the overwhelming majority of people who perpetuate this psychological/emotional abuse either:

1)TALK THE TALK about following the 10 commandments (or even the rules of the bible IN GENERAL), but in reality they treat the 10 commandments(or the rules set in the bible, or select passages) like a menu, picking/enforcing only the ones that are convenient for THEM to follow (or remember to follow), therefore becoming hypocrites who can't be listened to or taken seriously...

Or...

2)Don't realize that the concept of "sin" is just that, a concept...and WORSE, an UNREGULATED one. Example: Give 4 bibles to 4 people and, more often than not, you'll get 4 different interpretations. You get what I mean?

Besides, there's more than enough evidence to for me to conclude that the bible has suffered from the biggest hack job in the history of the world. Who's to say what was originally there and what was edited in/out? Who's to say that what WAS originally there WAS direct from God's mouth, or corrupted by the motive of man? Obscured by man's individual bias (or at least, the bias of whomever individual was holding that pen...er, CHISEL)? BUT...that's another topic...

IMO, so long as there are 2 consenting, unrelated adults who aren't causing harm to anyone or breaking any laws, whose fucking business is it of YOURS? Don't these christians believe that those kind of matters are between the sinner and God? Then why do they take so much liberty to enforce on "His" behalf, which is REALLY more like MEDDLING than enforcing??? What good IS the "christian" way of "enforcing"? What good does it really do? Think about it...does it really make a person stop and think, and inspire themselves to possibly experience a change of heart (or habit)? Or does it make them feel judged, shamed, condemned and hated? I've observed that usually when a christian (or "churchie") points out a "sin" in someone, it's coming from a low-level of thought. Ego based. Which is as far from "Godly-thinking" as the east is from the west. It's ego that compels one to point out a person's supposed inadequacy to make the "enforcer" feel better, perhaps even fooling themselves into thinking they're earning brownie points with God by doing what they're doing. Using the "sinner's" back as a stepstool to heaven. Which is wrong (Do THEY REALLY think that the God they're claiming to serve gets HAPPY to see his "representatives" commit this kind of jackassery?).They may think on the surface they're doing the right thing but on the deeper levels of their mind, they know what they're really doing...or perhaps they're blindly following all they were taught and really DON'T know what they're doing...either way, they're not doing a service to ANYONE by doing that, most CERTAINLY NOT GOD!!! I'm no churchie and even I CAN see THAT!!!

And, the pisser is, it doesn't have to be a public spectacle or physically violent for it to do lasting harm, like the blood-soaked Inquisition, wearing a scarlet letter, or having a mob drag one out of their home and into the streets for a good ol' fashioned stoning...it can be social ostracization, judgements disguised as "advice", a mean-spirited "joke", or it can be as simple, passive and "harmless" as a few snide remarks, whispers amongst a group, or the wrong kind of sideways glance...

Whoops...there I go off-topic again *lol*

What I DO advocate is following one's heart and doing what's right for themselves. If you do that, more often than not, the rest has a way of taking care of itself...That is, depending on IF you HAVE the courage to let go and let your heart lead (it can sure be a wild ride at times *lol*). And I advocate the idea that GOD is TOO BIG to be compartmentalized into any religion or ANY definition, including christianity. And I think that indulging in the human desire of trying to fit "Him" into a box, in and of itself, IS the TRUE sin...Chew on THAT one... :.P