"What's with you hating Christmas?"

Is what I get asked so often. I think it's unfair... I don't "HATE" it.

I know some people do (or claim to)hate it for real.

Some people really have a hard time dealing with Christmas... It's SUPPOSED to be a festive occasion...but since it's become so intertwined in commercialism and consumer hedonism, it has an opposite effect on poor people. It results in a magnification of the feeling of lack and feeling left out. Those feelings we try to stuff in the closet and hide during the REMAINDER of the year (feeling of lack, exclusion, inadequacy, failure...the attempts to ignore it with a fake optimism one tries to muster up just to cope from day to day) sort of get dragged out in the open like it or not and gets put out front & center to display for all to see. Or at least, that's how it feels. Instead of "everywhere you look, it's christmas!" it's "everywhere you look, it's a reminder of what you can never afford to have, do or get!". "Ho ho ho!" turns into a "ha ha ha, you're poor!" You can TRY to "make the best of what you have", but when you see everyone else around you doing things you'll never do, enjoying things you never will, having things you'll never have, it sort of rubs salt in it a little... And for those who know what it's like to be REALLY poor... I mean REALLY, REALLY, can't even afford the bare minimum poor? Not even a Charlie Brown tree? You know that your "holiday spirit" can really take the beating of it's life...some don't even survive to another year...as if it didn't take a monumental effort to generate in the 1st place considering the circumstances! Having only enough to keep the rent paid so that you don't wind up homeless does NOT count as a Christmas present...not even to yourself. And to think otherwise is self-delusion.


You can guess by now which part of the equation I'm in, right? *lol* I grew up poor. Not "feed the children" poor, but shitty in it's own way. I have to be fair, there were a handful of great Christmas memories...(getting that Teddy Ruxpin doll I always wanted is one of the few happy kid memories I have), but those were few and far between. After so many disappointing experiences for so many years, beginning so early in my life, it sort of deadened my sense of "spirit". What little I had was a struggle to muster up. But these past few years wiped out the last of it: This year is now going to be the 5th year in a row where there will be no money for shopping...which means yet another Christmas without presents. This isn't me feeling sorry for myself. Nor am I asking you to. I'm not mad. I don't resent. Or hate. I DID hate once...especially in my "goth" phase *LOL!* I passed through an "anti-christmas" period where I absolutely hated it and I wanted no part of it at all! A feeble attempt to take out my resentments I suppose *lol*. So I know what it feels like to hate it, that's how I know I don't! *lol*


Just last weekend, I was at a grocery store, I crossed paths with a guy I know whom I suspect likes me, and a Christmas song came on. "Here comes Santa Claus" I think it was? He actually turned to me and started singing along, and by his expression, it looked as if he was expecting me to join in and sing along. I let him sing for as long as I could stand it before turned to him and said "Hey. Save it for your kids at home, will ya? I'm immune to that shit!" *lol*

People like me who grew up this way usually wind up in these categories: 1) they grow up to be truly bitter about it and hate the holiday, and more ghosts come out of their closet than decorations 2)mustering up as much optimism as you can in the face of what you can't have/do (which is WAY harder than it sounds. I really feel for the people who try so hard to love the holiday even though they have no evident reason to) or 3)become immune to the holiday stuff. I just...don't care. I have no feelings of my own towards it... And between you & me, I really think those in category #1 don't hate Christmas from a place of TRUE anger or malevolence...it comes from a place of hurt. All that's under that "hate" is only layers & layers of hurt & disappointment which just manifested itself in a different way. Me, I don't feel this way or that about it. I just don't care. Well, ok...I DO care about Christmas ONLY because 1)the people in my life whom I care about care about it, so it results in caring by default *lol* 2) in my new line of work, the holiday season is like the Superbowl! Busy & crazy! But even before then, I always seized the opportunity to show off my skills and bake my ass off! *lol* What I don't get is: all the central "reasons for the season" are things we should be mindful of all year: Thankfulness of what one has, giving to others, enjoying quality time with loved ones, keeping in touch with family. These are things that should be done ALL THROUGHOUT the year. What makes Christmas so special then? It's even argued that Christ's birthday didn't even happen at this time *lol*. So what's left when you strip all the above away? Overeating & buying crap? An excuse for overindulgence and overspending? And looking at the vicious greedy herds of consumers that mob the stores during this time of year...Yelling...shoving...sometimes even punching, even literal TRAMPLING over one another. Doesn't really help with the case for Christmas either. Count me out. Ok, I get wanting to try hard to get just the right thing for someone you love, but that doesn't get you off the hook from showing some basic civility to the person next to you. If Christmas permanently went away for whatever reason, I really wouldn't miss it... I would just feel for the people that would.

(mental) constipation *lmao*

Damn! I can't believe I've been away for HOW many months??? Holy crap! Where did the time go? So much crap has happened too... As usual, my birthday came and went virtually unnoticed (I really should re-examine the "friendships" I keep *lol*). The end of my marriage being one of the biggest things... I guess you'll be hearing more of that as I go along (in case you haven't already gotten an earful talking to me in the real world *lol*)... That, and, writer's block can sure be one mean bitch! There were lot of times where I didn't really think there was much worth sharing...but I see that doesn't stop other people with their blogs *lol*. Maybe I'm too critical of myself...No, no maybe...I AM... If I'm not hard on myself, I won't get jack shit done. I don't know how else to be *shrug*